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Why Yes, Tucker Carlson, I am Primitive

By Kate Hudson | Miscellaneous | March 11, 2019 |

By Kate Hudson | Miscellaneous | March 11, 2019 |


Tucker Carlson is the walking embodiment of failing upwards, and proof that mediocre white men always land on the soles of their boat shoes. He also recently got caught describing women as “extremely primitive,” which Dustin mentioned in a post earlier today.

Rather than be shocked that a man who stumps for Trump and thinks my uterus is more important than my being would say something like this, I’d like to take the moment to acknowledge that yes, I am extremely primitive.

See, Tucker, because he’s well, Tucker, didn’t take the time to research what life was like for primitive women. But since I don’t have a bowtie perennially cutting off oxygen to my brain (and relatedly, I don’t look like a bowtie-wearing a*shole), I was able to do a quick Google search to see what life was like then. Friends, are you ready to be shocked? Primitive society was egalitarian!

Per the opening paragraph of the linked Guardian article:

Our prehistoric forebears are often portrayed as spear-wielding savages, but the earliest human societies are likely to have been founded on enlightened egalitarian principles, according to scientists.

A study has shown that in contemporary hunter-gatherer tribes, men and women tend to have equal influence on where their group lives and who they live with. The findings challenge the idea that sexual equality is a recent invention, suggesting that it has been the norm for humans for most of our evolutionary history.

The article further continues:

The study suggests that it was only with the dawn of agriculture, when people were able to accumulate resources for the first time, that an imbalance emerged. “Men can start to have several wives and they can have more children than women,” said Dyble. “It pays more for men to start accumulating resources and becomes favourable to form alliances with male kin.”

Dyble said that egalitarianism may even have been one of the important factors that distinguished our ancestors from our primate cousins. “Chimpanzees live in quite aggressive, male-dominated societies with clear hierarchies,” he said. “As a result, they just don’t see enough adults in their lifetime for technologies to be sustained.”

So, basically, while Tucker’s comments were obviously designed to show his delusional, pale, pasty, self-professed superiority over half of the world’s population, all he did was really demonstrate that his opinions are uninformed and not based in fact. Kind of like what he does every night on his talk show.

The point is, I’m definitely primitive because I believe in treating everyone the same, and letting their actions and behavior speak to the way I view and treat them. You know, rather than writing off half the population of the world as less capable than the other.

Men denigrating women by letting them know they believe them to be less than men is nothing new—frankly, it’s a time-honored tradition. The beautiful part about these men is that they frequently underestimate us to the point that it allows us “primitive” women to get the best of them time and time again.

For instance, I’d like to remind everyone about a Celtic warrior queen, thought primitive by her foes, named Boudicca, who lived in what is now England but was then Roman-occupied Britannia. After her husband died and left merely half of his fortune to the Roman emperor at the time, it was ordered by the Romans that Boudicca’s daughters were to be raped and she publicly flogged. Boudicca promised vengeance as a result: “Nothing is safe from Roman pride and arrogance. They will deface the sacred and will deflower our virgins. Win the battle or perish, that is what I, a woman, will do.”

Friends, she raised an army and led the promised rebellion. She burned down the two largest cities in Britannia, and was well on her way to the third when Rome finally realized they had to get their sh*t together and take her seriously before she burned everything to ash and kicked the Romans off the shores of Britannia forever. Unfortunately, as you may have guessed, Boudicca was ultimately defeated, but she still did some major damage to the system that harmed her family before she was stopped. I love Boudicca.

There’s also the story of Queen Nzinga Mbande, of the Ndongo and Matamba Kingdoms in what is now modern-day Angola. The Queen ruled in the 1600s, when Portuguese colonizers attempted to move into Luanda (what is now the capital of Angola) in order to control slave trade in the region. The Queen, realizing the threat the Portuguese had to her own sovereignty, began to collect allies, and consolidate her power.

Here’s a summary of how the Queen operated:

When Queen Nzinga met with the Portuguese they sought to diminish her by making her stand throughout the audience. She commanded one of her servants to go down on hands and knees to allow her to sit as an equal. When the Portuguese attacked her lands in 1626 Nzinga was forced to flee Ndongo to create a new nation in Matamba. From her new home she waged a three-decades long war against the Portuguese slavers which saw her personally leading troops.

Queen Nzinga died at the ripe old age of 81, having built an empire equal to that of her Portuguese foes—who eventually, begrudgingly, acknowledge their respect for the woman they once deemed unimportant enough to have a literal seat at their table.

So what’s the point of all of this? It’s nothing new for any woman, of any age, to be told that some men think us undeserving of basic respect and humanity. Well, friends, sometimes I think it’s good to remind fellow women what we “primitive” ladies are capable of when respect and equality are denied to us…and look, if it reminds the menfolk at the same time, well…good.

Header Image Source: Getty