Sometimes it just seems like fashion designers are fucking with us. I venture to say women especially, because the absolute hell that is vanity sizing and the refusal to make sizes anything resembling universal, and bras are designed like torture devices, and the fact that a decent pocket is so hard to find that when a woman actually discovers one in a dress you will never not hear about it. (It’s a big deal. I almost picked a wedding dress solely because I was so impressed it had a pocket.)
Then there are items that are damn near impossible to get into. Dresses that require a partner, roommate, or motherboy to unzip and escape. Jeans so skinny that getting in or out of them requires stretching first. Shoes that might look cool as hell, but also hurt like it. Then there’s jeans with this mystifying zipper.
Wondering if they actually unzip along your ass crack? THEY DO!
These butt-bearing jeans from Vetements, and can be yours for $1,715. Seriously. They are literally overpriced jeans for assholes. And they also come in corduroy, because some people just want to watch the world burn.
And yet this might not be the stupidest ladies pants on the market! For there are items of clothing so next-level stupid, you think fashion designers must not only think of women as lumpy failed hangers (wooden, never wire), but that they must actively loathe us. Behold this utter monstrosity.
This is TopShop’s MOTO Clear Plastic Straight Leg Jeans. That’s right. They have the gall to call transparent plastic pants “jeans.” But compared to the asscrack zipper jeans, they’re a positive steal at £55, roughly $70 American dollars.
Now, I know what you’re thinking, ‘What do I wear with see-through pants besides an annoyed expression?’ Well TopShop’s product description has some suggestions:
Ideal as a statement piece for a festival or costume party, take the look to the extreme with a bikini and sequin jacket or dress down, layered under an oversized jumper or asymmetric hem dress. 100% Polyurethane. WIPE CLEAN ONLY.
Yup. Just pop on your transparent plastic pants beneath your asymmetrical dress. Why not throw some gladiator sandals under or over? Show the world you’re really on the brink!
Just. At what level does this design make any damn sense. To avoid looking like an utter disaster of a woman, you’d have to do SO much prep work. Assume you’re at peace with your cellulite. You’d still have to shave the entire length of your legs (no knee-down shortcuts) to wear pants! And your underwear cannot only be cute, but downright so damn cute and pristine that you don’t mind any rando seeing them from any given angle. Actually, you’ll probably want to wax, because a stray pube would really throw off the elegance of plastic see-through pants. And come to think of it, you might want to throw some talcum powder in there to avoid chafing. And also, just don’t sweat. At all. Because if there’s one thing that will ruin the line of these transparent trousers, it would be streams of sweat sliding down them, then pooling at the chic ankle cut.
Shame they’re out of stock. No seriously. They are out of stock.
However, props to the best customer review they could ask for.
And yet confounding pants fashion isn’t only for ladies! Hooray for feminism, because men can buy supremely stupid pants too! Check out these gems.
They might look like a filthy, mud-saturated pair of junker jeans that’d you’d have better luck burning than ever getting clean. BUT no, you fashion idiot! These are Nordstrom’s Barracuda Straight Leg Jeans, in “indigo.” Described as “a comfortable straight-leg fit embody rugged, Americana workwear that’s seen some hard-working action with a crackled, caked-on muddy coating that shows you’re not afraid to get down and dirty,” these jaunty jeans cost just $425! And they also come in “Destroyed.”
So. There you have it! The contenders for the title of Stupidest Pants On The Internet. Weigh in with your vote in the comments. Or share a contender of your own. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go set all my clothes on fire.