Do you ever get the hankering for a little taste of yesteryear?
Do you ever wanna brunch like Statler and Waldorf?
Do you ever wonder how food might taste once all your taste buds die?
Well look no further!
I present you the wonders of Old People Food. ‘Food’ which has stood the test of time and, for various reasons, continues to be ingested into humans everywhere. Some of it is barf-in-your-lap nasty. Some of it deserves a rebirth. But all of it is old. It’s people. It’s food.
Let’s start with the proverbial most important meal of the day: Breaking your fast.
Who wants a hot fresh bowl of Cream of Wheat?
Damn, that’s some hot-ass molten goodness. Apparently, there’s also something called Cream of Rice, which sounds super appetizing!
I grew up with Cream of Wheat. Mama used to make it with an angel’s kiss of brown sugar and three sticks of butter. Otherwise you’d gag. It’s not the taste as much as the wallpaper paste consistency that makes it so scrumdidlyicious. Mmmmm. When I was old enough to purchase my very own box of Cream of Wheat from a local food merchandiser….I never did.
But maybe that’s not your thing. Maybe you like it cold in the morning. For you we have…
It’s neither grape nor nuts. And Holy effing F that looks crunchy enough to send you straight to the oral surgeon with nothing but an abscess and a dream. And like three grand for the surgery.
Don’t want a fake tooth? Well, ohohohokay then! Howsabout this delicious morning snack?
This is still a hugely popular cereal internationally, in countries where they don’t have things like cable TV or health care or a life expectancy of 40. Just slide those tasty whole oat horse patties into your bowl, add a drizzle of 1% milk and several heaving, mountain-like tablespoons of sugar on top and you’ve got yourself a meal you might actually be able to swallow. I kid. I actually like Weetabix, weirdly.
Maybe no food is more deserving in this category than my favorite:
Corned Beef Hash.
I have it every year on Father’s Day. Here’s mine from the Exeter Inn in lovely Exeter, New Hampshire.
I used to be super embarrassed to ask for hash, but it’s a food that has outgrown its kind-of-shitty name. These days everyone has corned beef hash, and all you have to ask is if the chef makes their own. I’ll still eat the canned stuff, though, thanks to having a dad from the era of the Great Depression. He used to spoon me some corned beef hash out of the can with a wink and a pat on the back, like he had just given me the keys to a new Cadillac. When he mixed in a little ketchup, I knew that I was eating something special. Aaaah. At least that’s what my childhood sense memories tell me. Unlike most Old People Food, corned beef hash is delicious.
But enough about breakfast!
Let’s saunter down the road a bit toward lunch. It’s hot out there today, so could I possibly offer you folks a gander at some
Wild West Sarsaparilla?
Ooooooh. Nothing spells friendship more than sucking down a cool sarsaparilla. I thought all sarsaparilla was Wild West, but apparently that’s just a brand. It’s the one Papa used to drink, so I entered it here, but maybe you have your own sarsaparilla preference.
If that’s not good, maybe I could offer you a
Hot diggidy dog, that’s smooth! Vanilla never tasted so liquidy. Luckily that will tide us over until we get to lunch.
Who wants a delicious sandwich? Wehehehell! Nothing says Old more than
A Pimento Loaf
It just looks old as shit. I can’t believe they still exist but they do. If that’s not to your liking, perhaps you’d like a little
Liverwurst? I’m almost positive that the devil’s penis is made of liverwurst.
If you’re in the mood for your food to smell like a crotchal bacterial infection, maybe pair it with some
Whew, that’s some heavy shit. I don’t know if I even need a dinner after that! Maybe I’ll just have me some
I might try to kill the taste of that with
Brachs Maple Nut Candies
…or any candy where the primary flavor is “root beer.”
Or maybe I’ll try to settle my stomach with some Horehound candy.
If that works, and my teeth are still intact, maybe I’ll set about destroying them again with some
I love me some peanut brittle.
When all of that is done, let’s wash everything down with some refreshing
Rum Raisin Ice Cream
Look at those raisins! They’re just drowning in rum. It’s dripping right off them and making a disgusting little wading pool of rum. Nobody uses the term “Rummy” anymore to describe someone with a drinking problem. Those were the good old days for me, when my dad would be at a stop sign, whack me and point out the window and say in an unreasonably loud voice, “GET A LOAD OF THAT RUMMY!” And the rummy would hear my dad and look up at me from his filthy tweed pants and scraggly beard and LOCK EYES WITH ME.
And we’d drive away with my dad chuckling “STUPID RUMMY,” but I was forever changed because something had passed between me and that rummy in that moment.
My Homer Simpson-esque dad’s ice cream of choice? Either
Butter Pecan or
Frozen Pudding, which I’m pretty sure is just Rum Raisin with other fruit also soaked in rum. What a rummy.
When it comes to pudding, Old People have it made. All Pudding is Old People Food, but the kings of that particular hill are
Tapioca Pudding. For those times when you feel like eating maggot cadavers in sweet cream.
Bread Pudding because all that shit about gluten is just a bunch of rummy nonsense.
And of course…Blood Pudding. Whenever I drain a stag, I think, “what the hell am I gonna do with all this fantastic blood?” And you guessed it! I make a scrummy meal out of it.
HNNNNNNGGGHHGGGHHHGGG. That’s puke-in-your-mouth good!
If you made it this far, as a token of thanks, I offer you…
Thanks to my friends over at the Your Artificial Friends Podcast who gave me the idea for this post. So which of these made your mouth water and which ones would you pass on? And which Old People foods did I miss?