We had a real bad weekend at the movies, you guys. Jem was underwhelming, Suffragette wimped out, Rock the Kasbah was racist as all hell. Paranormal Activity: The Ghost Dimension was… the sixth movie in the Paranormal Activity franchise.
Not a good new release in the bunch.
But you know what none of those movies had?
None of those movies had a scene where a woman is told by her childhood pet that she gives said childhood pet a boner.
So I think we’re doing OK.
Just in case you missed literally the most horrifying moment in a recent feature film (pay special attention at :48):
That’s April O’Neil cowering on the ground as a hulking, ‘roided out turtle voiced by Mickey from Shameless tells her she gives him a boner. A turtle boner. Look up YouTube videos of turtles fucking things and have a nice lunch! Yes, I know Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles came out last summer, but the pain does not end. I had to see that shit, and though I do hate TK forever for it, the experience has given me a little perspective.
“She’s so hot I can feel my shell tightening” (oh, God dammit) might be my vote for most stomach-churning moment from recent years, but there are some compelling runners-up. For example:
*Dawn’s (Meredith Anne Bull) happily ever after comes with the character who tried to use a love potion to magically roofie her earlier in the movie in Strange Magic.
*Fundamentalist Christian horrorshow Left Behind attempts to tackle Islamophobia. (It’s as bad as it sounds.)
*Josh Gad wins a woman.
*James Franco and the child molester Muppet in Your Highness:
What are your votes? Let’s get some catharsis going. If anyone wants to talk about specific scenes in the Human Centipede movies… please do not do that.