Someday, I believe studies will be done on the lifespans of bloggers and commenters on the internet. I mean, having this many STRONG FEELINGS is clearly hazardous to our health. And if I die of internet (it’s basically the same thing as dysentery) I will be very displeased and haunt the shit out of Kim Kardashian for what she’s done (her surgical work will keep her alive long after the rest of us are gone). But, there are lessons to be learned. In the news recently, we’ve learned about some very fancy old ladies who have lived past 100 and offer up their tips for doing so. And if anyone needs these tips, it’s us on that internet.
In the words of Lloyd Dobler, you must chill.
“Eat and sleep and you will live a long time. You have to learn to relax.” - Misao Okawa, 117
We all need to calm down. All of us. And sleep. Sleep is great. I haven’t slept in three years. I probably should.
Embrace the single life.
“My secret to a long life has been staying away from men. They’re just more trouble than they’re worth. I also made sure that I got plenty of exercise, eat a nice warm bowl of porridge every morning and have never gotten married.” - Jessie Gallan, 109
Found the love of your life? That is aces. But if not, don’t worry about it too much. Focus on you. As RuPaul says, “if you can’t love yourself, how the hell you gonna love anybody else?” And, if and when you find someone you think pretty neat, know that you deserve to be treated well. If someone makes you feel bad about yourself or generally gives you a bad time, maybe you’re better off with the real greatest love of all—the one inside of you.
Get busy…within reason.
“The secret of my success is I’ve always been busy. I prefer being busy to being idle. Being active keeps you young…I have always lived a straight life, never done stupid things. I have never gone beyond the limit.” - Gladys Hooper, 112
Don’t do shit that will kill you. Because it might kill you. But also, like, do something. You have to find a balance between sitting at home and eating Bugles (if you’re brave enough to eat Bugles, I mean, that shit has pointy edges that could be a choking hazard) and juggling chainsaws.
As the wise prophet Sheryl Crow once said, if it makes you happy, it can’t be that bad.
“People try to give me coffee for breakfast. Well, I’d rather have a Dr Pepper. I started drinking them about 40 years ago. Three a day. Every doctor that sees me says they’ll kill you, but they die and I don’t. So there must be a mistake somewhere.” - Elizabeth Sullivan, 104
Lizzie over here loves her Dr Pepper (btdubs, there’s no period in Dr Pepper and it’s driving me BONKERS) and that’s a lot like how I feel about cake. Three cakes a day. Doctors are like, don’t eat three cakes and I’m all ELIZABETH SULLIVAN SAID I COULD (basically).
Pick your battles.
“I don’t like arguments, anything for a peaceful life. When you live through two world wars, you are grateful just for peace.” - Ethel Berry, 102
Hear that internet? CALM THE DICK DOWN. (Maybe I need to start with the woman in the mirror on that one.)
Just shut up, eat your cheesecake and drink the wine already.
“I’ve always enjoyed my meals and I like a glass of wine with my lunch, medium white.” - Kathleen Fox, 102
Be healthy. Healthy is great. But, let’s be honest. Lots of things taste better than thin feels. So enjoy your food (those Girl Scout cookies died so you could be happy—won’t you think of the cookies?) pour yourself a glass of vino, drink up and toast yourself for being awesome.