We Received a Press Release for Kid-Friendly Ecstasy for Children and I Need to Talk About It

So, as an editor at a fine media establishment such as this, I often receive press releases ranging from new films to a singing hematologist (I’ve gotten that one about six times). But today…today was a special day.

For, you see, today was the day I received a press release about kid-friendly fake drugs for the whole family.

Subject: Teens: Party w/ MiraBurst, NOT Molly

Off to a great start. That’s a call-to-action I can believe in.

Hi!

Great. Conversational and friendly and diving right into the message.

I’m reaching out to introduce you to MiraBurst: a safe, natural, and thrilling way for teenagers to “trip.”

Okay, I’m gonna stop you right there while I realign my eyebrows which have overfurrowed themselves into a problematic contortion.

Teens can pop a MiraBurst tablet, let it melt on their tongues, and revel as they enter an alternate reality in which anything sour or acidic tastes super sweet. Suddenly, lemons and limes taste like candy, lemon water tastes like lemonade, and Greek yogurt like ice cream…the possibilities are endless!

Like…a) why would you do this? And 2) but, like, why though?

Head to any teen club, music festival, or even a house party on a Friday or Saturday night, and chances are you’ll find a handful of young men and women covered in sweat, pupils large, proclaiming their love of everything and everyone around them - these teens are high on “Molly,” or MDMA. Referred to as “a pure form of Ecstasy,” the drug is increasingly popular and accessible for teens, and is even often packaged in brightly colored packets to appeal to the teenage demographic.

DAMMIT, TEENS! YOU’RE ALL HOPPED UP ON THE STUFF!

Don’t worry though. Have we got the wholly unrelated, tragically forced thing for you!

MiraBurst users may not experience feelings of ecstasy, but they will certainly experience amazement and wonder as their taste buds are temporarily distorted. They also - most importantly - won’t experience clenched jaws, nausea, chills, or the more serious side effects associated with MDMA. Given the alarming facts about MDMA use among teenagers, MiraBurst has an opportunity to change the way teenagers experiment and party. This new (and completely safe) trend is called “taste tripping.”

“This new (and completely safe) trend is called “taste tripping.”

So basically this truly next-level bonkers version of those Flintstones candy cigarettes is just Miracle Berry, a thing that’s been around for years and is now being rebranded as healthy baby drugs for tiny ravers, something that presumably came out of a pitch meeting littered with actual drugs.

Also, this is the picture in the email:

You know what? They do look like they’re having a super good candy party.