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We Look Away from Ryan Lochte for 5 Minutes and He Causes an International Incident

By Courtney Enlow | Miscellaneous | August 18, 2016 |

By Courtney Enlow | Miscellaneous | August 18, 2016 |

Ryan Lochte, one of our dimmest and most shining Olympic stars, with the body of chiseled marble and a brain to match, lied and said he was robbed at gunpoint, when in actuality he broke a door and he and his friends pissed all over the floor.

Great job, bro.

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The dramatic account by Ryan Lochte and three other U.S. swimmers of a being robbed at gunpoint during an taxi ride earlier this week appeared to unravel Thursday as Brazilian police said the story was fabricated and that the group was instead involved in an altercation at a gas station.

Multiple outlets reported that there is security camera video showing the group breaking a door to a bathroom at the gas station early Sunday morning, then scuffling with security personnel.

Destruction of property. Mad baller, yo.

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Lochte first told his mom the story, and she went to the media. Lochte stuck to his nonexistent guns that he and his teammates Gunnar Bentz, Jack Conger and Jimmy Feigen were attacked by men pretending to be police officers.

“We got pulled over in our taxi and these guys came out with a badge, a police badge. No lights, no nothing, just a police badge. They pulled us over, they pulled out their guns. They told the other swimmers to get down on the ground, they got down on the ground.”

Those pussies got down on the ground like a bunch of newbs, but not Prince Jeah of Bro-ery.

“I refused. I was like ‘We didn’t do anything wrong so I’m not getting down on the ground,’” the swimmer told [Billy] Bush.

“The guy pulled out his gun, he cocked it, put it to my forehead and said ‘get down.’ I was like (puts hands up) I put my hands up. I was like ‘whatever.’ He took our money, he took my wallet.”

So brave. So stupid. Because it fell apart almost instantly, because security cameras exist (“Even in Mexico or wherever I was?” Yes, Ryan Lochte, they do.) And the videos showed Lochte and company being generally drunken and bro-y, and the gas station owner said the group “vandalized his facility and urinated on it.”

The hell were you thinking?

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But we can’t be that mad at them. After all, they’re just kids! Children! Tiny men in their 20s and 30s!

Rio 2016 spokesman Mario Andrada, who earlier apologized to to the swimmers, wanted to move forward Thursday.

“Let’s give these kids a break,” he said. “Sometimes you take actions you later regret. They are magnificent athletes. Lochte is of one of the best swimmers of all time. They had fun. They made a mistake. It’s part of life. Life goes on.”

YEAH GUYS, GOD. Let this 32-year-old baby kid have fun and be magnificent. If Brazilian people get blamed for it and floors get urinated on and doors get broken, like, come on, IT’S CALLED FUN, GET A DICTIONARY. They’re just CHILDREN.

Anyway, don’t worry—Twitter’s got this.

One thing is certain. Ryan Lochte is a goddamn moron.

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