Have I read George R.R. Martin’s epic series “A Song of Ice and Fire?” I have not. Will that stop me from watching the premiere of “A Game of Thrones” this weekend? It will not. I have already scammed an invite to an HBO-subscriber’s house. I suggest you do the same, post-haste. Cookies work well. Or booze. Anyway, I’m a huge advocate of books and reading. Always. But at this point, my friends, there is simply no time. So, in order to keep track of the endless march of bearded white dudes (and flaxen-haired ladies) and the confusing use of the letter “y,” I will be employing a trick I learned when watching “Band of Brothers.” Nicknames. Here are a few I’ve scratched together using some borrowed insider book knowledge and my schizophrenic IMDBrain. I hope it helps.
Lord Eddard “Ned” Stark (Sean Bean): a.k.a. “Boromir” a.k.a. “006” a.k.a. “Sharpe” a.k.a. “The Yorkshire Pudding” a.k.a. “Odysseus” (I sat through all of Troy muttering “This will ALL be worth it if they make The Odyssey with Sean Bean.” WHERE IS THAT MOVIE?!?)
Jamie Lannister (Nikolaj Coster-Waldau): a.k.a. “Heroic Bill Pullman” a.k.a. “Lonestar”
Tyrion Lannister (Peter Dinklage): a.k.a. “The Station Agent” a.k.a. “That Guy Who Got Paid Twice For Death At A Funeral” a.k.a. “Contrary To Popular Belief NOT The ‘Midget’ From In Bruges, You Heightist” a.k.a. “The American Warwick Davis, You Heightist”
Queen Cersei Lannister (Lena Headey): a.k.a. “Blonde Sarah Connor” a.k.a. “Blonde Queen from 300” a.k.a. “Queen Bitchface” (I have this on good authority)
Lady Catelyn Stark (Michelle Fairley): a.k.a. “Joan Allen” (I mean, RIGHT?!?)
King Robert Baratheon (Mark Addy): a.k.a. “Greybeard” a.k.a. “Roland” a.k.a. “My Favorite Part Of The Full Monty” a.k.a. “That Guy With The Crown”
Petyr “Littlefinger” Baelish (Aiden Gillen): I mean, “Littlefinger” is fairly sufficient, no? For “The Wire” enthusiasts, you can use “Carcetti,” for the Shanghai Knight enthusiasts, you can question your taste.
Robb Stark (Richard Madden): a.k.a. “Ol’ Blue Eyes”
Jon Snow (Kit Harington): a.k.a. “Jon the Bastard” (Because he is one and it’s nice and Shakespearean) a.k.a. “Baby Mark Ruffalo”
Viserys Tagaryen (Harry Lloyd): a.k.a. “Legolas”
Daenerys Tagaryen (Emilia Clarke): a.k.a. “Legolass” a.k.a. “Horse Girl” (nothing to do with her fetching face)
Khal Drogo (Jason Momoa): a.k.a. “Guyliner” a.k.a. “Badass”
Arya Stark (Maisie Williams): a.k.a. “Baby Badass” (no relation)
Sandor “The Hound” Clegane (Rory McCann): a.k.a. “Meltyface”
Joanna Robinson wants the George R.R. Martin enthusiasts to know that the first one among you to point out which integral character she left off this list will get a storm of swords up your *ss. Hugs and kisses!