I’ve been seeing the Baldwin brothers all over the place lately and every time its one that isn’t Alec, it burns my butt. I mean, let’s be honest - after Alec, the talent nosedived and each of those boys got funnier looking. Let’s also acknowledge that if not for the talent of big brother Alec, the other brothers three would never have sullied any screen, big or small.
Since they’re all out there lately, I thought I’d craft a handy guide so you wouldn’t have to strain your brain trying to tell them apart. To the layperson, other than Alec, one Baldwin can seem interchangeable with another. What’s to tell them apart, what with all the scrunched up faces and one more or less bloated than the other?
The Original, Alec:
Alec has a distinctive look, voice and has a natural flair for the drama with a built-in temper and an ego that comes at you as soon as he hits the screen. He is the brother who studied acting at the famous Lee Strasberg theater and it shows. Currently appears on and is the best thing about “30 Rock”, has been nominated for just about every acting award there is and won several Emmys and Golden Globes. Alec is also famous for calling his daughter (with Kim Basinger) a “pig” and he is easily identified with his shirt off.
The Puffy-faced One, Daniel:
Daniel showed promise early on as Detective Beau Felton in “Homicide: Life on the Street” but that seems to have been an anomaly. Or it could be that he likes cocaine better than acting. Clearly the second brother was also second prettiest and perhaps success went to his head too quickly. Daniel has appeared on television reality shows “Celebrity Fit Club” and “Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew” and he may be remembered for a nude romp through the Plaza Hotel. He has most recently appeared in the 2010 television movie “Christmas with a Capital C”, but since no one saw that I think it’s easiest to remember him either as the puffy faced one or the one from “Homicide”.
The Squinty One, Billy:
Currently ruining “Parenthood” and my ability to enjoy Lauren Graham is squinty-eyed, perpetually puzzled Billy Baldwin. Somehow Billy wormed his way into a few popular movies like Backdraft and Flatliners, but his career is utterly forgettable and I have an overwhelming urge to slap him whenever he is onscreen. Dude used to be a model and he should have stuck to that because he has absolutely no presence. In addition to “Parenthood”, Squinty is enjoying getting paid to appear on “Gossip Girl” and the Lifetime movie production, “The Craigslist Killer”. Whomever is hiring him, please stop.
The Stoned Minister, Stephen:
I find Stephen easy to identify because he always looks stoned and he’s always doing some variation on Ben Stiller’s Zoolander expression. Not sure if that’s on purpose or not, it may be his attempt to get a job with Billy, modeling. I don’t know who he fucked but he managed to get himself involved in The Usual Suspects; other than that, he really has had no acting career to speak of (although he did fashion somewhat of a famous role on “The Mole” over several seasons). Yet another of the brothers perhaps more famous for his personal life, Stephen has reinvented himself as some sort of conservative minister and clearly he remains at the bottom of the Baldwin food chain, least talented and attractive. The reborn Christian most recently appeared on “Celebrity Big Brother” and inexplicably has a few films slated for 2011.
And there you have it, like a cloning experiment gone bad, the younger (and clearly inferior to Alec) brothers Baldwin continue to invade our lives. It seems nothing can be done to eradicate them but if we are able to easily identify them, we can quickly change the channel or run from the theaters screaming (not unlike Daniel himself), “Inferior Baldwin!” Remember, Alec is the original and tastes best; Puffy, Squinty and Stoner should be avoided at all costs.