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To Watch Guy Fieri Eat a Burger Is to Gaze into the Gaping Maw of Hell

By Courtney Enlow | Miscellaneous | March 25, 2015 |

By Courtney Enlow | Miscellaneous | March 25, 2015 |

I’ve been sitting on this one for a while now. Because I wasn’t sure if I wanted to subject you to the horrors I’ve seen. But after nearly two months working from home, where I need to have the TV on what is essentially a pleasant and ignorable screensaver all day (for me, that is Food Network and Cooking Channel), too many times now I’ve seen a sight that chills me to my core, my very core. And that sight is Guy Fieri eating a burger.

I don’t ever mean to watch Guy Fieri. No one does. I must assume his entire fame and fortune has happened entirely by accident to people who thought they were watching Anne Burrell.


And when I witness a new and fresh hell, I want to share it with you. Because I care.

So this is that hell. This…is Guy Fieri eating a burger.

Watch it again. Watch it until it stops hurting. THAT WAS A JOKE BECAUSE IT NEVER STOPS HURTING. Watch him go in, pause, and aggressively ATTACK THAT BURGER. Feel violated. Feel sad. Feel scared. Call your mom.

Here’s another one:

Isn’t it awful? Here’s another one.

And one more.

I need six showers now.