Calling out impractical women’s footwear is like pointing at the sky and saying “Gee, that sure is way up there, huh?” Look, I love shoes. I have a closet full of ‘em! But c’mon: Most of them are poorly designed and/or just silly. Take clogs, for instance. They’re cool as hell, considering they’re just loud, uncomfortable foot-bricks. Even the cutest stilettos are still, you know, ankle-killing foot-stilts. Or how about boots that have laces… and an additional side zipper so you don’t have to use the laces, because, I dunno, tying your shoes is too much effort? Or those fancy wedge platform sneakers. Or flip-flops, which are my favorite type of shoe ever — despite the fact that they’re apparently unsightly, unhygienic, and barely shoes at all.
(Though there’s an IndieGoGo campaign to introduce a strapless flip-flop alternative that may make you grasp your grungy Havaianas a little tighter…)
What I’m saying is, we all know that footwear is a category rife with insanity. Pointing out how ridiculous a dress with a boob-knot is only works because most dresses DON’T come with boob-knots, but like 90% of women’s shoes are the style equivalent of boob-knots for feet.
THAT SAID: Clearly, there is still room in the market for exceptionally awkward, confounding footwear. As one of our readers demonstrated when they passed this little gem my way recently. Get a load of these, uh, sneakers for particularly athletic elves?
The “High Top Sneaker Dinosaur” from Loewe is just one example in their “Sneaker Dinosaur” range. And it retails for $690 USD, which I could scoff at but like… I dunno. People are willing to drop serious cash on shoes. Especially fancy sneakers. It’s a trend I’m aware of, and while these may look like any other ’80s throwback kicks to my untrained eye, honestly they don’t even need that extra toe-curl bit to be worth multiple hundreds of dollars to the right shoe-thusiast.
But boy oh boy, do they have a fucking curly toe on them. With rubber soles coming partway up. For traction. During… sports? If you’re having a hard time picturing how these sneakers could be incorporated into an outfit, here’s one suggestion:
You know what? I’m mostly just curious as to why they’re called “Dinosaur” sneakers, when it has nothing to do with the green color (the whole line is called “Dinosaur” regardless of color). If they were sneakers with weird claw bits at the end, then fine. But these obviously were inspired by Santa’s Little Helpers, and I think credit should go where it’s due. Elves in pop culture mostly get to have cookies, or shelves, or socks (for freedom!), or they’re blond Orlando Bloom. Dinosaurs get parks dedicated to ill-advisedly reviving them from extinction. Dinosaurs get to terrorize sexy Jeff Goldblum! Give the elves their fucking sneakers back.
Though naming convention aside, these sneakers do remind me of a really fascinating fashion factoid I heard about…
In 1367, King Charles V of France explicitly banned the wearing of shoes shaped like penises.— Quite Interesting (@qikipedia) August 16, 2017
Wait, could these be… DINO PENIS SNEAKERS?