“You-a children like-a the Pikachu? Now-a imagine he’s-a the Jesus. But you no-a put him in-a ball.”
The Catholic Church is having a bit of a crisis on its hands thanks to a problem that, for the sake of levity, I’ll simply refer to as “wild grape.” Just buckets and buckets of wild grape, everywhere you look. I honestly don’t know how they sleep at night, there’s just so much wild grape.
Anyway, instead of spending its vast mountains of wealth on meaningful, long-term solutions to fixing its grape problem, the Vatican has decided that turning a popular mobile game into a boring, religious version of its former self is exactly what the Catholic Church needs to bring in new users by proving it’s jiggy with it and possibly even on fleek. Via Kotaku:
The Vatican has commissioned a mobile game called Follow JC Go, an AR title which is almost identical to Pokémon Go, only you’re out there collecting Saints and “blessed characters from the Bible”.
It works exactly the same as Niantic and Nintendo’s blockbuster: you hit the streets and run into things you can capture, only instead of battling monsters, you just need to answer some questions from Saints and other Holy Folk.
Okay, I can’t hold it in any longer: HOLY. SHIT. (Ha! Get it? I’ll let myself out.)
First off, if I can’t evolve Jesus into Jesusarizard, then every single person who made this thing can go directly to Hell. Second, did the entire Vatican miss the Jigglypuff full of awful surrounding Pokémon Go? Because somebody probably should have brought that report up. God knows it was the first thing I thought of, and I’m not even that smart. It’s a miracle this post isn’t written in crayon. From the New York Post:
A report dubbed “Protecting our Children: How Pokémon Go and Augmented Reality Games Expose Children to Sex Offenders” revealed that the cute cartoon creatures are popping up in front of the homes of registered sex offenders across the city.
“Unfortunately, Pokémon Go has opened up a door to sexual predators,” said state Sen. Jeff Klein (D-Bronx), whose office teamed with that of state Sen. Diane Savino (D-SI) to conduct a two-week investigation.
Investigators visited the homes of 100 Level 2 and 3 sex offenders who committed “heinous” crimes against children — or who were convicted of possessing child pornography — and found Pokémon characters popped up directly in front 57 percent of the time.
Just so we’re clear, out of all the mobile games the Catholic Church could’ve ripped off, it somehow managed to pick the one that literally delivers children to a pedophile’s home. You couldn’t step on your dick that hard if I stapled it to your foot.
On that note, if the Vatican wants to make an app where people run around catching things, I’m pretty sure they could’ve picked something a little more useful than augmented reality saints. Like say, I dunno, child molesting priests. And by catch I obviously mean call the police, but still name it something like “911 — Jesus Style!” The kids will love it.
Mostly because they’re not being graped.
Header Image Source: Getty