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'Nothing's Wrong, I'm Fine' Now Officially the Most Obvious Lie in Human History

By Dustin Rowles | Miscellaneous | May 24, 2010 |

By Dustin Rowles | Miscellaneous | May 24, 2010 |

I’ve been collecting links from around the web as they pertain to sex and relationships for a few weeks now, saving them up for a rainy day. Because the day after the “Lost” finale is apparently the slowest news day in the history of mankind, I thought I’d introduce another science of sex post, mostly because I’m fascinated with studies pertaining to sex and relationships.

Here’s some enlightenment.

Here’s good news for women: Females between 30 and 44 are now making more than their husbands in 22 percent of marriages, which is a huge surge in recent years. Moreover, the recession cut more than twice the number of men’s jobs than women, and women are now the breadwinners in more and more families. The downside for women is that, since women now hold 60 percent of advanced degrees, many are having to settle for less educated (read: dumb) men.

If you were wont, you can read a correlation of the above statistics into divorce rates. According to a report in Time magazine, many of those college-educated women are less likely to find that “financial security is the main benefit of marriage,” resulting in lower divorce rates among the college-educated (the corollary is also true: Divorce rates are higher the lower you go socioeconomically). Moreover, because women are increasingly attending college, divorce rates have decreased in every decade since the ’70s. That same study suggested that age is also a huge factor: Since the 1980s, 81 percent of college-educated couples who married after the age of 26 have stuck it out.

Of course, the reason some marriages may be surviving longer is that people over the age of 45 are finding it increasingly OK to have sex outside the marriage, according to AARP. Unfortunately, those over the age of 45 also find sex less satisfying, particularly married people over the age of 45 who have presumably already exhausted the Kama Sutra.

If menfolk are trying to get their ladies to pay more attention to them, however, they might consider eating more celery. According to Judy Gaman, eating celery increases a man’s pheromone level. Celery contains androstenone, which is a sex pheromone, so when dudes sweat celery, the womenfolk get lady boners. Bonus: Celery also increases semen production, which makes climaxes stronger (and messier!).

And speaking of messy sexy, another study has essentially concluded that, while there is a genetic component to infidelity, the best way to keep your significant other from cheating is to try new things and explore new places together, as the shared experiences up your levels of commitment. That same study also suggested you could train yourself to be more faithful by avoiding others who might present temptation. Ummm. Duh.

Finally, and speaking of cheating, when it comes to men and women and lying, men are much bigger liars than women, on average telling a lie three times a day, while women tell two lies a day. To be fair, however, a large percentage of those lies are of the white variety and are told in order to avoid conflict in a relationship. Interestingly, the most popular lie among men is “No, I didn’t have that much to drink,” while the most popular lie among women happens to be the most infuriating: “Nothing’s wrong, I’m fine,” which every man should know means: Fuck you. I’m pissed off, and you’re going to have to pull the reason out of me, even though you already know what the reason is, you dumb shit.”

My advice to you, fellas: Next time your significant other says, “Nothing’s wrong, I’m fine,” just apologize. For everything. For everything you’ve ever done wrong in your entire life. It’s a lot easier than trying to wheedle out the actual reason she’s pissed.