What’s the number (clap, clap)
Of pop-culture blunders (clap, clap)
Ripping Pajiba asunderrrrrrrrr
The number of the day is…four!
We began with 64 disappointments. Only four remain. On one side we have the greatest cinematic letdown ever vs. a venerable comedy institution allowing a racist cantaloupe to host. On the other, a despicable personal violation cheered by half the internet against a guy who sometimes says dumb things. For real, how is Jeremy Renner still in this thing? Sure, he didn’t exactly face a murderer’s row to get here (a 9, 16, 12, and 2 seed), but the guy did mollywop the third Matrix movie — a serious title contender — by 150 votes. What has he done to earn such ire? EVERYONE KNOWS BLACK WIDOW IS A SLUT! HE WAS JUST SAYING WHAT WE ALL ALREADY THOUGHT!
No. 1 The Star Wars Prequels
No. 12 Donald Trump hosts SNL
Look: we all think Donald Trump is fecal matter personified. Not ordinary fecal matter, either. The kind that arrives after eating nine Gorditas and chasing it with two dozen ghost pepper wings and five milk stouts. The dude sticks to the side of the bowl, is what I’m saying. It’s not hyperbole to describe his ascendancy from reality show buffoon to presumptive GOP presidential nominee as the single most shameful American event since the opposition to civil rights. The man is an abomination. He feels like the obvious right choice here. Before you click the radio button next to his name, though, find a copy of Attack of the Clones and watch the scene where Anakin and Padme try to flirt. Listen as the dialogue dissolves your ear canals like flesh-eating bacteria. Let its repugnant stench fill your nostrils; its clammy skin brush against your fingers; its rotten sinewy taste shrivel your esophagus until you’re retching on the floor gasping for oxygen. Only then can you make your choice.
No. 6 The Fappening
No. 8 Jeremy Renner’s Thoughts on Things
“Look, it’s not my job to say whether someone stealing a woman’s intimate personal property and putting it on the internet for the world to see is wrong or not. I just show up, hop on my stilts, and act, man. I’ll say this, though: I had never heard of many of these quote-unquote celebrities before jerking off to their pictures. This leak probably helped more than it hurt a lot of these women. Maybe they should show the hacker a little more gratitude. OK, gotta run. They’re filming my one Civil War scene now and the crew needs to size my box.”