The wheels have officially flown off this motherfucker, so we’re just gonna slide down the hill with sparks streaming from the undercarriage until we crown a champion. We’re left with eight turds, each with a plausible path to disappointment immortality. Only one top seed and a pair of No. 2s remain. Donald Trump and Adam Sandler continue to display cockroach-esque resilience and likability, winning three consecutive matchups to earn a chance at further infamy. The good news? One will be eliminated by tomorrow. The bad news? The other one is going to the Fuck This Four.
Voting stays open through tomorrow midnight Pacific. We’ll announce the last four teams Friday and give you the weekend to make your selections. Choose wisely. Or don’t. It’s just an Internet bracket.
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“YOU’VE WON A TOY-YODA!” REGION
No. 1 The Star Wars Prequels
No. 2 Back-to-back All-White Oscars
Star Wars: Arcane Trade Negotiations barely — and I mean barely — survived a furious challenge from Actresses Who Say They Aren’t Feminists. Percentage-wise the two tied, 50-50. But article 17, subsection 309(b) of the tournament charter clearly states that in the event of a tie, the male contender will advance. Sorry, ladies. You lose again. Not getting emotionally abused by David O. Russell is really the best you can hope for at this point. Seriously, the final count was 679-670. Racist CGI Caricatures now takes on Back-to-Back All-White Oscars for a spot in the Fuck This Four in the only matchup between a region’s top two seeds.
DONALD TRUMP MIGHT REALLY BE PRESIDENT REGION
No. 12 Donald Trump hosts SNL
No. 14 Netflix’s Adam Sandler Deal
Drumpf vs. Bobby Boucher for a chance to advance to be the regional champ. Why the hell not? Apparently two decades of progressively abysmal programming wasn’t as dispiriting as an anthropomorphic tangerine-colored vibrator hosting a barely relevant sketch-comedy show. The syphilitic orangutan takes on one of SNL’s laziest alumni, Adam Sandler. Two-thirds of respondents believe Netflix handing him millions is more disappointing than a ratings system responsible for dozens of terrific shows being cancelled. I’m having trouble disagreeing.
NO LIKES ON A FIRE TWEET REGION
No. 5 9/11 Truther Celebs
No. 6 The Fappening
DOWN GOES THE SEPTUAGENARIAN HISTORY PROFESSOR LIKE BUILDING 7 AFTER THE CONTROLLED DEMOLITION ORCHESTRATED BY HYPER-INTELLIGENT SEA MONKEYS POSING AS STATEN ISLAND FERRYBOAT CAPTAINS! STAY WOKE! 9/11 Truthers against headless Demi Lovato nudes. Christ. What are we even doing here, people?
BARACK OBAMA’S PRESIDENCY REGION
No. 8 Jeremy Renner’s Thoughts on Things
No. 2 The Matrix Revolutions
“If I had to rank the Matrix movies — and I hate ranking things other than women — I’d go three, then two, then the original. The movies work best when the characters aren’t in the Matrix performing majestic stunts. I want to see them fight robots with guns. That’s really the crux of the story. Thought the rave could have lasted a little longer, though. Anyway, great movies. Shows what can happen when you get not one but TWO dudes behind the camera. What? They’re women now? They just changed their minds one day? Huh. I don’t want to say anything controversial about their disgusting life choices so I’ll just keep my mouth shut. Haven’t made a good movie since they tucked it back, though. Just sayin…”