DOWN GOES RENNER! DOWN GOES RENNER! OH THE HUMANITY (that’s rarely displayed by Jeremy Renner)!
Yes, folks, Pajiba’s favorite
heavy speed bag is no more, routed in dominant fashion by binders full of women. Well, file folders, to be more accurate. Ones jam-packed with purloined pictures of scantily clad female celebrities because the Internet is a giant, writhing maggot-filled diaper fired at your face by a trebuchet from three feet away. The Fappening’s magical run through the dance culminates with a spot in the championship as the infamous nude celeb photo leak destroyed LEGOlas (get it, because Renner plays an archer and is tiny like a Lego?) 837-283. You know that scene in Death Proof where the chicks pummel Kurt Russell like they’re tenderizing a steak? The Renner-Fappening matchup was like that, only with more women wailing on a smaller piñata.
Its opponent? THE STAR WARS PREQUELS SONNNNNNNNN! /airhorn sound blasts through the interwebz
Anakin’s hatred of sand did to Donald Trump what Hillary Clinton (IT’S OVER FOR YOU, BERNIE SANDERS, JUST TAKE THE L!) will do this fall — eliminate him from the contest without breaking a sweat. Side note: the Star Wars prequels have the most lacrosse-name cast ever. If you escaped from a lifetime of captivity, and for some strange reason the first thing the police did was put the Phantom Menace cast list on a screen and ask you to pick whether each is a thespian or a middie for St. Bartholomew Prep, you’d have a difficult goddamn time successfully completing the exercise. Hayden Christensen. Ian McDiarmid. Ewan McGregor. Liam Neeson. Don’t act like it’s easy.
So it’s the biggest waste of cinematic potential in three decades against a criminal hacking scandal for all the tears. Winner announced Wednesday. Enjoy.