Presented for the approval of moist lions everywhere: Your THE FUCKENING Final Four. Last week, Black Widow, Sirius Black, Princess/General Leia and Inara Serra were deemed insufficiently in the sackular arts to knock out these paragons of sexual skill. Vote for who you think is best in bed, then check back Wednesday to vote on the finals. And remember:
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Peggy vs Tonks
If Black Widow couldn’t do it, is it possible for anyone to stop Peggy Carter in her seemingly inexorable march to the FUCKENING championship? Will Tonks (don’t call her Nymphadora) be able to bust up the Peggy/Poe match-up that was foretold by the ancients? We’ll have to see, but I’m guessing the answer rhymes with “schmoe.” Tonks, you had a good run. This just wasn’t your year. Time for you to die again, HEY-OHHHHHHH.
Poe vs Indiana Jones
Like Peggy, Poe’s presence in the FUCKENING finals has been nigh on a sure thing since the beginning. You don’t beat Rey (round of 32), Han (schwing 16), and Leia (elite eyyyyght) without packing a heavy-duty power tool beneath the belt. (You do not, however, need to have any particular sexual prowess to be deemed better at fucking than Poe’s first round rival, Darth Vader/Anakin Skywalker. A wet, jizz-encrusted washcloth is more sexually appealing than him.)
Now, Poe faces his toughest challenger yet: Indiana Jones, who last round took out FUCKENING favorite Inara Serra from Firefly. Poe (and Oscar Isaac) might be Pajiba’s latest megawattage mancrush, but there’s something baked in the DNA of an entire moviegoing generation that leaves them weak at the knees at the thought of Mr. Action Archaeologist. Or, put simply:
Poe already beat Harrison Ford once. This time around, all you assholes who voted against Han Solo have the opportunity to make up for your egregious failures of judgement, not to mention life itself. A vote against Indy is a vote against your better instincts. We can do this.