Welcome to the second round of Pajiba’s THE FUCKENING, where we rank the sexual prowess of fictional characters because who fucking cares, that’s why! Is the 32 round called something? I know it’s “sweet sixteen” and “elite eight.” Don’t look at me like you think I know about sports! I just do what Brian does, only with more boning.
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Superheroes & the Superhero-Adjacent
Peggy Carter vs Deadpool
You better line up to give Dat Ass an apology kiss, because Captain America has been betrayed by the Pajiba commentariat. Like-an-avocado-fucked-another-avocado-face was deemed more sexually viable than the admittedly far less experienced Captain America. Really. Then again, the DP does know how to celebrate International Women’s Day. Which brings us to: Peggy Carter. Yeah, you’re welcome for that imagery.
Agent Coulson vs Melinda May
Number 12 seed Agent Coulson pulled off an upset win against number 5 seed Iron Man in round one, so congratulations, Agent of Ultron fans! And now, my condolences, as he and Melinda May have been pitted against one another. She defeated Superman in round one. Obviously.
Jessica Jones vs Black Widow
Another dark horse in this race, Jessica Jones beat out perennial bad boy favorite Loki, 1201 votes to 984. I’m sorry, Loki. It looks like no one likes you best yet again. But will JJ—assertive, strong, and a bit of a live wire—be able to defeat the no-doubt technically proficient (but perhaps a bit emotionally closed off?) Black Widow?
Wonder Woman vs Thor
THE FUCKENING: THE BATTLE OF THE GODS.
This one will be tough. They both beat their competition—Lois Lane for her, Bucky Barnes for him—by around the same margin in round one. They’re both hot and have literal centuries of experience. This will be Thor if he loses this round, rogue cowlick and all:
Harry Potter Characters
Neville Longbottom vs Bellatrix
Hot teacher Neville Longbottom—who’s kind and considerate and probably wears a lot of sweater vests and looks like this—easily defeated #16 seed Voldemort, so clearly you have some taste. But then 443 more people would rather have sex with Bellatrix Lestrange than Harry Potter, Wizard Cop. Look, I get that Bellatrix is Helena Bonham Carter, but she would also hurt you, and not in a fun, sexy way. Death Eaters don’t have safewords. You buncha weirdos. DON’T HAVE SEX WITH WIZARD EVA BRAUN.
Sirius Black vs Remus Lupin
The brash, louche rebel brought low by fate or the bookish loner with a secret wild side? All I can say is this match-up is bringing me right back to my circa-2003 LiveJournal days.
Ginny Weasley vs Tonks
Ginny Weasley’s a professional kick-ass Quidditch player, Tonks is… dead. But before that, she was a fun-loving shapeshifter and member of Hufflepuff, objectively the best house. Decisions, decisions.
Hermione vs Luna
I would like to point out that, in the Harry Potter round, one woman got knocked out in round one, compared to seven men, and that woman (McGonagall) was knocked out by another woman. Agent X and I had a conversation about whether that’s an offshoot of Strong Female Character syndrome—that female characters (speaking in general here, not just Harry Potter) have to be hypercompetent in a way that men generally don’t, because movies and film put the burden of representation on a relatively small number of women. On balance, fictional women aren’t really allowed to be shit-at-life megaschlubs the same way fictional men are. And female characters have to be sexy! Is there a woman in the MCU, for example, who’s not? There are a ton of hot guys, but there’s also Mickey Rourke. You can look at male characters from franchises in this bracket and find a ton whom you know would be terrible in the sack. But as for female characters whom you could definitively say wouldn’t rock your world… Umbridge? Is that it?
Anyway. Back to happysexyfuntimes. Luna would be more adventurous than the more studious Hermione—Luna basically became a female, magical Steve Irwin—but she’d also be spacey, and Hermione would make an effort.
Star Wars Characters
Poe vs Rey
There are 178 people in this world who think that Darth Vader/Anakin “sand in my butthole” Skywalker would be better in bed than Poe Dameron. LET THAT SINK IN.
Anyway. Rey, I love you, but it’s not happening. She has real potential, but she also grew up on a desert planet with no friends or, really, any meaningful interpersonal relationships that we know about. It’s too big a deficit to come back from when you’re against the Daaaaamneron.
Han vs Padme
Let’s disregard that thing where Padme got to Episode 3 and decided she’d stop being a political leader and instead spend the entire time crying about her husband, because pregnancy hormones I guess? Not just for this bracket, either. Let’s forget that in general.
Obi-Wan vs Lando
With all the chaff out of the way (Yoda and Chewbacca? Who the fuck voted for Yoda and Chewbacca?), this is when things really start to get interesting. It’s only natural that, in thinking about the sexual capabilities of Obi-Wan, you’d default to the Ewan McGregor version of him, because come on. But may I submit to evidence: Lando’s fun. He’s much more experienced and doesn’t have the “shit, actually I’m supposed to be a monk, my bad” hangups. And he has a sweet space cape. The sweet space cape always wins.
Captain Phasma vs Leia
The Luke vs Captain Phasma match-up in last week’s bracket was subject to a little bit of editorial wonkery thanks to yours truly (I mislabelled the poll), and I said if things were really close I’d do a run-off vote. Things were really close (49% Luke, 51% Captain Phasma). I did not do a run-off vote. Because: I forgot. Thinking Captain Phasma would be better than Luke in bed is wrong, because Luke is kind and game to learn new things and has a little bit of a dark side (wink emoji), whereas we haven’t even seen Phasma do anything yet! You were all just blinded by Gwendoline Christie’s legs! Which….. fair.
Regardless, it’s a moot point, because there is no gosh damned way either of them could defeat Leia. She beat Yoda in round one by 91%, the largest margin of the entire Fuckening. Girl knows what she wants, and she goes after it. Hold onto your buns.
Captain Mal vs Eric Northman
For a hot second there it looked like number 16 seed Margaery Tyrell might knock out number one seed Cap’n Tightpants (so seeded because Mal got the most votes from our reader poll, and Marg the fewest), but in the end, Pajiba readers came through for Firefly like Fox didn’t. In round two, he’s up against Scandinavian Dick Vampire Eric Northman, who has centuries of experience
and kind of a rat face, but it’s cool, it works for him.
Ian Malcolm vs Indiana Jones
’90s child me has absolutely no clue what to do with herself. I don’t even have quips. My brain is frozen.
John Luther vs Oberyn Martell
I am shocked—S H O C K E D and appalled—that a poll of Pajiba readers regarding the sexual prowess of fictional characters knocked out Hannibal Lecter in the first round. If cannibal freaks can’t let their flag fly here, where is safe? Then again, he was up against John Luther, who…
…I’m sorry, what was I saying?
Dana Scully vs Inara Serra
Can number sixteen seed Inara Serra keep up the momentum from beating a number one seed Spike (from BtVS) and use it to triumph over perennial geek lust object Dana Scully? If it were anyone else, I’d say “no way.” But Serra’s literal job is being good at sex. So who knows? Have fun with those aneurysms, nerds.