Sony might have finally gotten their shit together and admitted to themselves and the world that they need Disney’s help if they want to keep their third Spider-Franchise incarnation from being a complete omnishambles, but that doesn’t mean that they’re out of opportunities to fuck up. (They never are.) Initial enthusiasm at Marvel cornerstone Spidey joining the MCU was dampened by a number of fiddly little concerns, like fans asking “Wait, how many characters are going to be in Civil War now?” and British teen #187 grabbing the title role. I’m sure Tom Holland is a fine actor, but you have to admit it’s was an underwhelming choice, especially coming at a time when awareness and criticism of the MCU’s lack of diversity is at an all-time high.
And the #1 thing standing in Untitled Spider-Man Reboot’s way: People are just burned out on Spider-Men. Considering Spider-Man 3 came out in 2007, by the time Holland makes his debut as Peter Parker in next summer’s Civil War, that will be three different big screen variations of the exact same character in ten years. Things would be different if Sony/Marvel decided against another mulligan on Peter Parker and tried another incarnation of the iconic webslinger instead. But the big-screen debuts of Miles Morales and SpiderGwen will probably roughly coincide with the day Nicolas Cage decides to turn down a role for reasons of artistic integrity. So if they want to muster an audience reaction that’s different from a shrug and a meh, they’ll have to try something else. The solution came to me when I saw that Marisa Tomei has been cast as the new—and much younger and more attractive than normal (sorry, Sally Field)—Aunt May.
Joe Pesci’s going to be Uncle Ben now, right?
I mean, he has to.
Marvel chief Kevin Feige has confirmed that the MCU’s retelling of the Spidey mythos will not be an origin story, but I think it’s a fair bet that Uncle Ben will show up somehow—in a flashback, as a picture on the mantlepiece, whatever.
And sure, Pesci’s in semi-retirement, and sure, it would be a pretty blatant cash grab on his part. But imagine: At the end of my My Cousin Vinny, Vinny (Pesci) and Lisa (Tomei) were planning to head back to New York and get married. Assuming the movie takes place the same year it came out, in 1992, the timing works out perfectly for them to have a kid around 1996, the year Tom Holland was born. The MCU’s Spider-Man could be a Vinny sequel. Vinny gets into an altercation with a yute about some grits, and he gets popped. Just follow my advice and get J.K. Simmons back in there somehow, and we’re golden.