Ah, the ’80s. A time of cocaine so rampant that even movies created for an audience of small children were deeply affected. As an easily frightened young girl, I was one of the affected, and the effects remain strong to this day. Go ahead. Pop out from behind the couch. Wear a clown mask in my bedroom at night. Stab a goddamn hobo in front of me, it will do NOTHING. Such is the consequence of seeing movies like those below.
9. Who Framed Roger Rabbit?
Yes, technically, this is not merely a kids’ movie per se. But Judge Doom did fuck my shit up and for that it deserves a spot somewhere.
8. Mother Goose’s Rock ‘n Rhyme
I didn’t do well with masks. You will learn that quickly as this list continues.
7. Follow That Bird
Okay, so Big Bird is taken away from Sesame Street by a social worker? How did that respectable line of work ever recover from this monstrous hit? Then, THEN, he’s kidnapped by evil carnival workers (a career that never did recover) and painted blue and forced to sing sad songs. Just kill me now.
6. The Brave Little Toaster
I still don’t do well with clowns, and I’m pretty sure it’s not all Pennywise’s fault.
5. The Neverending Story
Guys, I still can’t with this scene. I couldn’t even check to make sure the video works.
4. The Land Before Time
And yet I’d rather watch Artax die a thousand times in a thousand sadness swamps than ever watch this scene again. Backstory: When this movie came out, I literally made my dad call my mom at work to make sure she was still alive while I sobbed hysterically because I was physically incapable of understanding what had just happened to me.
3. The Dark Crystal
The Skeksis were basically ROUS’s with a system of government, yes?
2. Return to Oz
How the hell did any of us make it out of childhood alive, you guys?
1. The Hugga Bunch
Studies have proven that this is the film that the highest population of ’80s children have completely blocked from their memories, believing it to be some manner of fever dream or psychosis from their youth. It’s real, you guys. It’s real. Also, it taught a generation of kids that “retirement homes” are horrible places where your grandma goes to die.
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