'The Good Wife' Introduces Us To the Human Definition of What a Man Should Look Like

By Lord Castleton | Miscellaneous | October 16, 2015 |

By Lord Castleton | Miscellaneous | October 16, 2015 |

Let me get the elephant in the room out of the way by saying that I have no idea how I never ran across Jeffrey Dean Morgan in the last 25 years. I just never knew about this dude. I’m super suspicious of actors with three word names anyway — I’m looking at you, Somebody Gordon Levitt.

I checked out his IMDB page and with the exception of possibly seeing him on Shameless as a guest, there is nothing I’ve watched that he’s been in. I had quit ER by the time he played a fireman in a 2001 episode. I meant to watch Enterprise but I couldn’t get into it, so I missed Jeffrey Dean Morgan as a Xindi-Reptilian on a 2003 episode. Supernatural is on my list of things to watch but I haven’t seen it yet. Ditto for Weeds. I’ve never even considered watching Grey’s Anatomy which is apparently where he made his biggest impression. So I’m stunningly unfamiliar with this guy.

And this dude is fucking gorgeous. That’s not just me, right? He’s like an American Javier Bardem. If I could build my human definition of what a man should look like, Jeffrey Dean Morgan would basically be it.

And I’ll own that I like dudes with full beards. That goes back to the famous beard trust diagram. (Click to enlarge)

So what is it with this dude? He sucks, right? He’s a sucky actor? Because why isn’t he a bigger deal? This guy has more game in his smiling eyes than forty Chippendales dancers.

Anyway, his arrival on this season’s The Good Wife was a welcome injection of testosterone. After the fateful loss of Will Gardner I wondered if they could ever really re-capture that feeling of sexytime with Alicia, and while I like the scenes with Chris Noth, something about the good governor has slipped away for me.

One of my favorite actors, Matthew Goode, played Finn to perfection last season, but his relationship with Alicia never really built to anything warmer than a polite smolder. But now? With Jeffrey Dean Morgan’s Jason Crouse? Holy shitballs, Batman! I’m in! Lady Castleton was cracking up because I was yelling “AWWWW YEAH!” every time he had a conversation with Alicia on this week’s episode. Don’t get me wrong, I heart(ed) Will Gardner but Jason Crouse would take Will Gardner and Finn McMissile (or whatever his last name was) and roll them up like a sleeping bag and use them as a suppository. That’s how much of a man Jason Crouse is.

Did I mention that I’m in? Because I’m fucking IN.

A couple of quick notes to get you fully caught up on The Good Wife.

Louis Canning was, like, come work for me and Alicia was like OH HELL NO and Louis Canning was, like, you sure? It wouldn’t even be like working for me, you’d just be like a pawn that I control n’ shit and Alicia was, like, tempting but I’m gonna pass. Then Louis Canning was like you want me to stop sending you cases? And Alicia was like, no. Keep sending me cases. And then Louis Canning was like, peace.

Alicia has accepted a position so shitty and embarrassing that she’s on the lowest possible tier of the attorney privilege ladder. She’s like two steps below “can you help my cousin get a visa?” and nine levels below ambulance chaser. This is her job now:

ALICIA: Who needs you?

DUDE IN MAGNETO-PROOF CAGE: HUH?

ALICIA: Who do you support so that bail would ruin their lives? We have six seconds.

DUDE IN MAGNETO-PROOF CAGE: UM

ALICIA: Got it. Your honor Mr. X has only three misdemeanor convictions and he is a good family man with a strong work ethic.

JUDGE: Bail is set at 3 billion dollars because I hate you, Alicia Florrick.

Alicia’s new besty is one of the bottom-scrubbing bar attorneys named Lucca Quinn and she’s pretty goddamn awesome, so far. The actress who plays her is named Cush Jumbo and that’s more or less the most kickass name ever given to a human. CUSH JUMBO needs you to shut the hell up. Okay!

In Alicia’s old firm, it’s been revealed that Howard Lyman will kill a bitch and if you doubt his sincerity, and there’s a one-eyed lawyer walking around somewhere. Cary just wanted to have a polite word with him and it’s erupted into a holy war. David Lee was like you two need to cool it and Cary Agos is like “okay, sure.” And Howard Lyman is like “I’ll cool it when I piss on his dead body and see his burning head on a spike.” And David Lee and Diane were like “okay let’s get back to work then I didn’t hear anything that sounds problematic or inappropriate here.”

Alicia’s new firm consists of Grace answering phones but blissfully not preaching.

Hopefully it will soon include Cush Jumbo. I wish the character played by Cush Jumbo was called Cush Jumbo because, while ‘Lucca Quinn’ is nothing to turn your nose up at, it’s no Cush Jumbo. Don’t you quibble with Cush, fool!

When Alicia asked around for an investigator, no one knew of any. Not even Cary Agos, who’s also looking for one. I have no idea what the name of that firm is anymore, but it’s some combination of Lockhart, Agos and Lee. Apparently, Robyn has dematerialized into the ether because no one was like “how bout Robyn with a Y? Remember? That dizzy Midwestern gal who could like pull miracles out of her ass? Remember? No? Ah, well.”

Peter Florrick is trying to be vice president and Margo Martindale is wading hip-deep into fired Eli scorn to try to make that happen. Eli is trying to be the craziest ex-anything on television, including Reality TV.

There was this one scene where Eli stood in front of Peter and apologized for saying mean shit when Peter fired him and Peter was like “oooooohhhhohohohohohkay!” Eli was basically blowing venom bubbles that were floating up and exploding on the ceiling with a dead baby falling out of each one and Peter was just wondering if he was going to be murdered in that room or just at a later date, but certainly BY ELI.

There’s something brewing with the Election commission and Frank Landau, but I haven’t the foggiest idea what it is. It’s like: vote NO on whatever I say, okay Alicia? And Alicia is like DEAL. And then Eli is like what did that penis Frank Landau say and Alicia is like NOTHING and Peter is like YOU ARE BEING USED and Alicia is like I KNOW, HOSS. Crystal clear.

No sign of Finn. Or Eli’s delightful daughter, Marissa. Or Zach.

We did get a quick glimpse of Kalinda. Well, fake Kalinda. Alicia hired this hot female investigator and promptly fired her, only to rehire Jason Crause. I’ve heard it suggested that it was possibly a final fuck you to Archie Panjabi. It sure seemed like it, but you never know. The showrunners certainly seemed to refute it.

Anyway, Diane offers Crause like $250 an hour plus she’ll massage him and buy him a villa in Tuscany. Alicia offers him a bag of tampax coupons and three tickets to a The Jesus and Mary Chain revival concert and he immediately signs on with Alicia.

I’m guessing there’s an attraction there.

But will Alicia notice it? I mean, I was almost licking my screen and I’m a heterosexual man. Or at least, I was before I watched that last episode of The Good Wife. I mean, holy fuck, y’all.

The Good Wife. Catch the effervescence Sundays at 9 Eastern.