In case you missed it yesterday, I announced that I’ve chosen—yes, this was my idea—to subject myself to daily viewings of a movie that falls apart for most somewhere during the first or second time it’s watched.
Two things I want to make clear early on: 1) I will genuinely be watching this movie every day. On the phone with my dad this morning, he said, “can’t you just pretend?” AND I WAS LIKE NO DAD mostly because I don’t want anyone accusing me of being a lying liar. 2) It literally wasn’t until yesterday’s post had been up several hours that I realized 25 days includes weekends. So I’ll be posting on weekends, too. GIVE ME YOUR FUCKING CHRISTMAS CLICKS.
For day two, I’m going to watch and point out all HR violations and general business-related fuckery in real time. I thought about making it a drinking game but I’m afraid I’d die.
1. The recording studio is technically Billy’s workplace and he is swearing up a fucking storm.
He’s also a real seaward to his “fat” manager, an employee.
2. Here’s some rapid fire Garbage Colin moments while delivering food to the Rickman Office of Poor Judgment: “Try my lovely nuts.”
3. “Beautiful muffin for a beautiful lady.”
4. “Morning, my future wife.”
5. Not a technical “job” but as best man it wasn’t a great choice for Andrew Lincoln to hire male prostitutes for Chiwetel Ejiofor’s stag party. Or, like, to creep all over his bride.
6. Upon literal first meeting, Prime Minister Hugh Grant insults the former Prime Minister’s wife to the housekeeper who worked for the family . Be cool, David.
7. Natalie says “shit,” “fuck,” and “piss it” to her new boss.
8. He also says “fuck” to Natalie, but then looks shocked when Natalie says it back, which is kind of fucked up.
9. More Garbage Colin, this time as a waiter at Peter and Juliet’s wedding: first he checks out a wedding guest’s ass.
10. Then he takes the tray away from two people trying to take food off it, presumably because he does not find them attractive.
11. He calls the food he’s serving “dodgy” and says it looks like “a dead baby’s finger.”
12. He takes a bite of the food he’s supposed to be serving and then spits it out into his hand and then places it on the food tray.
13. He does all of this while hitting on a woman.
14. The woman he is hitting on and insulting is the caterer.
15. He then goes to the back and sits with his friend, who is apparently on break from his job on set with Martin Freeman and Blonde Judy to read a magazine in a food preparation area, and discusses banging American girls in favor of “stuck up” English women.
16. He picks his nose. He at no point washes his hands.
17. I don’t know how to quantify the Rickman/secretary stuff so I’ll just yell FUCKERY when it happens. FUCKERY!
18. Alan Rickman full on *confronts* Laura Linney about her crush on Hot Karl, which is none of his business.
19. He tells her to tell him (Hot Karl) she wants to have sex with him, which is inappropriate on multiple levels.
20. Prime Minister Hugh Grant, in the middle of a big cabinet meeting: “Who do you have to screw around here to get a cup of tea and a chocolate biscuit?”
21. Natalie then walks in and everyone stares at her, because she’s been sexualized by her boss’s already assy comment.
22. Martin Freeman speculates that Prime Minister Hugh Grant is “gay as a picnic basket” while simulating sex with Blonde Judy. The naked sex simulation part is totes apprope though.
23. Rickman. Secretary. FUCKERY.
24. Laura Linney and Rickman still talking about Hot Karl. INNAPROPE.
25. Rickman and Mia. FUCKERY. LEGSPREADING FUCKERY.
26. President Billy Bob doesn’t think politics and dating are an issue because he’s a perv.
27. President Billy Bob macks on Natalie and calls her a “pretty little son of a bitch” and comments on her “pipes.”
28. President Billy Bob does…something to Natalie’s head. It’s not cool, whatever it is.
29. Aurelia, Colin Firth’s housekeeper, is insulting Colin Firth to his face, because he doesn’t understand Portuguese, which is still kind of a dick move. Then he ogles her in her underwear.
30. Andrew Lincoln: Terrible Wedding Videographer.
31. Prime Minister Hugh Grant fires Natalie for getting her head sniffed by President Billy Bob, which was clearly nonconsensual.
32. His assistant, who was the castrato in the David Tennant Casanova, calls her chubby and remarks on her thighs.
33. Mia picked Andrew Lincoln’s gallery full of naked pictures for the office party, which is, like, it’s ART, but it is a lot of NAKED ART.
34. Also, FUCKERY. DEVIL COSTUME FUCKERY.
35. Bill Nighy’s grinding up on Parky!
36. CONTINUED RICKMAN-MIA FUCKERY.
37. Rickman makes a snide comment about Laura Linney being hungover when she calls in with a “family thing.” Which might mean he doesn’t know about her brother, which means a) he feels comfortable talking openly about her sex life despite not knowing about the biggest part of her life, b) her phone is literally just ringing all day during work, full volume, and she’s never told her boss why.
38. MIA-RICKMAN PHONE FUCKERY.
39. RICKMAN FANCY PRESENT FUCKERY.
40. They shouldn’t be cool with Garbage Colin yelling about his “big knob” in the middle of the airport.
41. Laura Linney and Hot Karl are literally always working late nights. Rickman should stop talking about them fucking for five minutes and ask if he can help them achieve better work-life balance.
42. Bill Nighy, attempting to be loving to his manager, refers to him as his “chubby employee.” This movie has body image issues.
43. You shouldn’t make out in a school auditorium, Prime Minister Hugh Grant and Natalie.
44. Aurelia’s boss literally says Colin Firth can’t marry her because “she’s our best waitress.”
45. Does it count as a violation for a managing editor of a website to put a writer through this if said managing editor is also the writer in question?
25 Days of Love Actually Archive:
Day 17 (there was no Day 17 because of snow reasons or something)
Day 18: Part 2