(Note: Standard liveblog rules apply — the post starts at the bottom, with fresh newness at the top. Also, I type in Central time. Do not be thrown off by my strange Midwestern hours.)
10:00 - Well, through the sheer magic of Maggie Smith and Barry Pepper not being present, we’ve finished on time! Thanks for taking this journey through time and space and the Canadian Tenors with me. Kisses, and see you for the Golden Globes!
9:58 - WHOA, ALEX DUNPHY. Put those away! You’re just little! SHE’S 13!! NO CLEVE FOR THIRTEEN!
9:56 - For someone so superior, she sure did fallback on “giggly girl” really quickly when the chips were down. God dammit, Gwyneth. Also, why are you wearing the standard “hideous midriff dress we pass around in class and make fun of” from every year’s Seventeen magazine prom issue?
9:55 - Re: Jane calling out those not present in the moment because of tweeting, etc….She’s talking to us, you guys.
9:50 - Is Outstanding Comedy Series always last? Why do they do it this way? Is it becoming increasingly obvious that this is my first one of these sober?
9:47 - I just got squinchy face. Look, I love “Mad Men” and it was excellent this season. But it was slightly outmatched by its co-nominees (Dexter not included, and hasn’t been for a while now). I guess BE and GoT have more time, but FNL sure doesn’t.
9:47 - FREAK BILL MACY! FREAK BILL MACY!
9:44 - I’ve never noticed that the title is not “Downtown Abbey.” I’m ashamed and illiterate.
9:40 - I would like to thank my mom. I wouldn’t be doing this liveblog without her. Thanks, mom, and I know you didn’t raise me to swear this much. That would be my dad. Thanks daddy!
9:39 - Aw, that was cute. I believe she’s the first to thank her mom tonight. Everyone should thank all the moms all the times!
9:38 - I love when Kate Winslet acts adorably shocked when she wins. And, yet, when Taylor Swift does it, I want to set her on fire.
9:37 - Wait, Taraji is a proper nominee and she’s still doing that Emmytone thing? TARAJI. What are you doing.
9:36 - GWYNETH PALTROW JUST GAVE CLAIRE DANES THE BITCHFACE. You guys saw that, right? Awesome. This is the shit I love for.
9:33 - Guy Pearce never ever looks like himself. He looks different in EVERYTHING, including every televised appearance or photograph. It’s like there’s a thousand Pearce-bots, each slightly different, and they all run around and get photographed and filmed and we’re not supposed to know the difference. He’s like Fergie’s voice, completely different from song to song and no one fucking notices but me. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH, PEOPLE.
9:32 - Did you guys just see that? David Boreanaz just tried to have sex with Anna Torv. Dammit, David, must you try to fuck EVERYTHING?
9:32 - Oh, good, now you ALL get to see his stupid ass hair. What the shit are you doing, DB?
9:26 - I forgot Jill Clayburgh died. She looked so frail in Bridesmaids.
9:24 - I wonder if Leonard Cohen gets pissed sometimes that John Cale’s version is the standard “Hallejujah,” not his. He probably doesn’t care. He’s Leonard fucking Cohen. Plus, everyone thinks they’re covering Buckley anyway.
9:22 - I really wish they hadn’t started this “have people sing the background music of the In Memorium live” bullshit. This isn’t a goddamn concert. It’s a dead people montage. Just let them have their moment. You’ll get other ones, fully alive singing people.
9:21 - I want to know what material Amy’s dress is made of. Is it shiny silky stuff? Or is it a leather gimp number done up fancylike?
9:19 - Barry Pepper’s fake teeth won that award, and they know it.
9:18 - Oh, Amy and Melissa, my two favorite people of the night.
9:17 - Paula is another one totally not in on the joke. Why do they do that to people? Why do they make them pretend “haha, I’m a drug addled mess and it’s funny” when they don’t get it.
9:14 - I’m really excited for “American Horror Story” and I’m not sure why, since, like everything Ryan Murphy is involved in, it will be overratedly tolerable for a season and a half before slipping into a coma, to hang on for years. But I really want it to be good. Because I want everyone in it to have jobs.
9:13 - I love when people aren’t there. The Emmys are like the co-worker’s Scentsy party, you just have better shit to do. Awesome.
9:11 - Fuck yeah, Maggie Smith. She’s better than other people.
9:10 - You know what I like best about Downtown Abbey? Employment for Elizabeth McGovern. And now I want to sing “This Woman’s Work” at you.
9:07 - “A lot of people are curious why I’m a lesbian. Ladies and gentlemen, the cast of ‘Entourage’.” GOD DAMMIT, I love you, Jane Lynch.
9:06 - See? Look at all the GOOD mini’s and movies. Why The Fucking Kennedys?
9:05 - Taraji, you have an Oscar nomination. Why did you say yes to this? Why did ANY of you say yes to this?
9:04 - I’m excited for when Kate Winslet wins. Because she is looking Mildred FIERCE! (Okay, “Drag Race” wasn’t nominated, and we were lacking in fancy gay wordplay, dammit.)
9:00 - “Mildred Pierce takes on The Kennedys.” Okay, why do we pretend bad miniseries are deserving of Emmy nods just because there were only, like, two. Can’t we just hand things to Mildred Pierce? Must we fake adulation at Katie Holmes?
8:58 - Jesus, it took me a full two seconds to figure out what the hell they were screaming. They came on giggling and then screamed. THIS IS WHY WE CAN’T HAVE NICE THINGS.
8:56 - I kind of hate all these skinny bitches for making Drew Barrymore of all people look stumpy.
8:55 - Yay for Juliana and her decorative wastebasket. May its beauty fill the homes of the world. I will wear its Target knockoff to the movies, as a popcorn catcher.
8:53 - …Guys? Katie Holmes is starting to look like a dude… We all knew this day would come. We just didn’t know it would be this soon. WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH OUR JOEY POTTER, TOM CRUISE?! JUST EMBRACE WHO YOU ARE!
8:53 - Look, this is amusing and all, but the more you let these Jersey Shore people do things, they more things they’ll do.
8:46 - Have other people had Dinklage on their “Fuck-it List” since Station Agent? Yes? Please?
8:45 - YEAH DINKLAGE! I love this man.
8:44 - I forgot to mention it earlier, but Slattery holding the phone over his eyes in the opening sketch was the cutest thing I’ve ever seen.
8:43 - THERE HE IS, THEY SHOWED HIS EYE. All is right.
8:42 - Dammit, they cut to Kelly Macdonald and I think DOUGIE was blocked by Buscemi. God, I want everyone to see Travis live, so that you might all know the pure sex that is Dougie Payne live in concert.
8:42 - Is anyone else still routinely confused by Mark Wahlberg’s involvement in “Boardwalk Empire”? Like… him?
8:39 - OH MY GOD, YOU GUYS. I had to look around online and see if Paz de la Huerta, my object of fascin-hate-tion, is there. AND SHE IS. Oh god, she is. LOOK AT HER. GAZE UPON HER.
8:33 - God bless her, I’m so happy for people who are genuinely happy to win. Also, spoilers, Mags.
8:33 - Holy shit, I really didn’t think Margo would win, but she did! Fantastic.
8:32 - Kelly Macdonald and Christine Barasnki are two of my favorite people. Win or lose. But I want Kelly to win because DOUGIE.
8:29 - Don’t poke the Sheen bear, Kutcher! He will fucking eat your eyeballs.
8:27- I’m glad they showed a clip of Ben McKenzie in action. Because I’ve wanted to be in action with him for about 8 years now.
8:26 - TIME FOR ANOTHER MONTAGE! And it’s set to my favorite Adele song! Awesome abounds.
8:21 - “Daily Show” made sure to bring up all the ladies to shut up Jezebel. Incidentally, “Shut Up, Jezebel” is my favorite game.
8:19 - It just looked like Greg Kinnear was crying. He’s a Colbert fan.
8:18 - This might be an old question, but did Anna Paquin stop being a
British New Zealander (thanks, shelhill, for some reason I always thought she was Welsh)? Did she get it Sookehed out of her?
8:16 - For other people, that just wasn’t a good presentation. For me, it was fuel for my hate fire. I hate her like Ke$ha.
8:16 - My mortal nemesis and her vagina sleeves are here. SHUT UP, LEA. I hate you.
8:15 - Stamos in a “Dick in a Box” guys wig is something I never knew was a turn-on. Fascinating.
8:13 - Here’s where I announce something publicly: “Captain Jack Sparrow” is not the only Michael Bolton song on my iPod. “Said I Loved You (But I Lied)” is not only on there, but is a highly played song.
8:12 - OKAY, I TAKE IT ALL BACK, I’M FINE WITH AN EPIC MUSICAL NUMBER.
8:11 - “New Girl” looks awful. Other people think this, right? I don’t know that it will be, but they’re doing their best to make it look that way.
8:07 - An “epic music performance”? Guys, if Gwyneth is involved, I QUIT.
8:05 - Every year, the variety series nomination announcements are the best. They rock it so much better than any other category. Because they care, and don’t wear dresses that cost more than my house.
8:04 - Tweet from Rowles: “If Lil Sebastian is not in tonight’s In Memoriam, I will write letters. LETTERS TO IMPORTANT PEOPLE.” THAT is why he’s the bawss.
8:02 - This is where I zone. In terms of reality TV, I only like “RuPaul’s Drag Race,” “Hoarders” and “Top Chef.”
8:01 - Kaley Cuoco’s dress is super cute. One of my favorites so far.
8:00 - Helena Bonham Carter on Craig Ferguson is my favorite thing that has ever happened, everyone YouTube it immediately.
7:59 - Re: the weird beeps you people are having, it’s not happening here. East coast thing?
7:58 - If “Drag Race” doesn’t win everything through a magical write-in campaign, I will be so sad. DON’T FUCK IT UP.
7:57 - The Emmytones are entirely made up of people who desperately deserve Emmys at some point. And, again, Fez. Who invited him?
7:56 - Why is Ashton Kutcher Jesus now? Also, he and Demi announce their split in two weeks, calling it now.
7:56 - I hate when people pretend they’re in on the joke. Kim Kardashian is never in on the joke.
7:55 - UNEXPECTED BREAKING BAD!
7:55 - “Stay put tiny rooms!” Every show needs more Tracy Jordan.
7:54 - Is it just me, or is the gimmick of “X Factor” that ugly people can be famous, too?
7:51 - Okay, let’s rap. Yes, “Modern Family” is the big huge behemoth winning all the awards, maybe taking some from people who deserve it more, but, seriously, it’s a great show. I’m confused by people who don’t like it. Why don’t you like good things? Oh, because you’re a naysaying shit? I get it, you haven’t liked Vampire Weekend since “Cape Cod Kwassa Kwassa.” EVERYONE THINKS YOU’RE COOL.
7:49 - Unless Sheen was instantly ushered out, you KNOW Jon Cryer is walking around terrified.
7:48 - I just adore this chick. I saw Bridesmaids three times in the theater, and she is just fantastic. I hope she takes over everything.
7:48 - ILLINOIS REPRESENT.
7:46 - Fuck it, I don’t care who wins. But it’s Melissa McCarthy, and she’s adorable, and she just mouthed “holy shit” and they’re all so happy for her, and I LOVE THIS.
7:46 - I. Am. Loving this.
7:44 - AMY! That was just my favorite moment that has ever happened ever.
7:44 - “Foreign people are weird!” - Hollywood comedy rules.
7:43 - Did you know Johnny Galecki and Kaley Cuoco secretly dated for two years? That fact just blew my mind. I was trying to look up who his date is. She’s super familiar.
7:42 - Seriously. Someone dies at that man’s hands tonight. Walk lightly, Jim Parsons.
7:41 - Oh, guys, I don’t trust it. I don’t trust that one bit. Those were the most threatening kind words ever.
7:40 - REALLY? They let Sheen in? I hope the Big Bang nerds are gonna take turns forming a human shield around Chuck Lorre.
7:39 - “Welcome back to the ‘Modern Family’ awards.” Truth, girl. Truth.
7:33 - Steven Levitan’s wife = biggest laugh of the night.
7:32 - Okay, did VO guy steal Hodgman’s shtick? And how didn’t they get Hodgman this year? Was he busy?
7:30 - Zooey’s dress = my dream dress at 14 years old. Now all I can notice is that heinous red ribbon.
7:28 - I like that Jane just called Ricky out for being a whiny dick. Because, seriously, let’s face it, he is. Funny, but a massive twat.
7:25 - Jane Lynch: the first female host in modern history to not have changed outfits 25 minutes in.
7:21 - Okay, I may have just realized that I was thinking of Dawn of the Dead. I don’t know how my mind confused the two. I knew he was a dick in a horror movie. Leave me alone.
7:18 - I just wrote a whole thing about how Ty Burrell was in Saw 2. He wasn’t. Allegedly. I totally swear he was.
7:17 - The top of Juliana Marg’s dress is futuristic and not unlike an ugly plantholder.
7:16 - You know that weird year a couple years back when Julie Benz was in everything? I think they all thought they were casting Julie Bowen, aka, the good one, but didn’t want to come clean on the error.
7:15 - Julie Bowen! I love her, despite her incredible shrinking clavicle. Come on, Julie, get back to that “Ed” curviness.
7:12 - I want everyone to win in this category. Can that happen?
7:10 - I’m sorry, I don’t care what you think, I love montages. They make me so happy.
7:09 - EMMYTONES, aka, all the people I like, humiliated as minstrels. We got Zack Levi, Cobie Smulders, Taraji P. Henson, and Joel McHale. Fez is in there, too. We don’t count him.
7:07 - Jane’s not lipsynching anymore, and I respect that.
7:04 - Four minutes in and we have our Ron Swanson fix! FANTASTIC.
7:03 - Are we all in agreement that Galecki got nominated this year because everyone felt sorry for him that his show was so incredibly hijacked by Jim Parsons?
7:02 - Okay, Piven, honey, you’ve taken it too far with the plugs. You now have the same hairline as Teresa Guidice from Real Housewives of NJ.
7:00 - No applause break for Nimoy? FUCK EVERYONE.
7:00 - Thank Christ, the show has started. Precious respite from those fucking X-Factor people.
6:57 - I always forget Laurence Fishburn and Gina Torres are married. I like to think she terrified his daughter out of porn at gunpoint, Zoe-style.
6:56 - I haven’t seen Kelly Macdonald yet. Is Dougie there? IS DOUGIE THERE?!
6:53 - There are certain people who have so endeared themselves to me and so aren’t “fashion people” that I totally don’t care if they’re dressed terrible. Melissa McCarthy is those people.
6:52 - Guys, I’m still so mad about those people singing at Buscemi, then asking him if “Boardwalk Empire” is AND I QUOTE “the real Jersey Shore.”
6:49 - Greg Kinnear doesn’t give a shit about your earrings, Nancy O’Dell. You are the worst tonight.
6:44 - My stars. Olyphant is rocking the gray. He is officially a silver fox.
6:44 - Seriously, Nancy O’Dell’s hair is a piece of plastic from being a Topsy Tail.
6:43 - Kate Winslet is prettier than all the people. I just want to rip her face off like that guy just said he wanted to do to Rob Lowe.
6:42 - The awful people who sang to Steve Buscemi just told Rob Lowe they want to rip his face off in front of his sons. These people are not real.
6:41 - “Vera Wahng.” Sofia Vergara, you are adorable.
6:37 - Just so you know, I have a pretty serious taco station I’ve set up in the kitchen. So if I disappear for a long stretch, I’m just making some tacos.
6:35 - Who the fuck invited Wilmer Valderrama?
6:34 - Okay, another discussion: “Boardwalk Empire” or “Game of Thrones.” I love both, but I, honestly, have a really hard time keeping the characters straight on BE. I feel like such an Italian failure, but I cannot keep these fucking mobsters straight.
6:32 - I would like to step off my soapbox to say Nancy O’Dell’s hair is a shitshow.
6:31 - Let’s start with a discussion: should actors continue to be honored for the status quo. For example, “House” is now a festering pile of disaster and madness, yet Hugh Laurie gets nominated every year for his consistent awesomeness. But should he? If a show takes a downturn, despite the very autopilot, though wonderful, performance of its lead, should that show receive any honor whatsoever? It’s like Kelsey Grammar, or Tony Shaloub, or Charlie Sheen, year after year after year. At a certain point, is there no one else?
6:30 - IT IS TIME (in my head, I said that like Rafiki). I’ve been watching the pre-show for about 20 minutes now. You haven’t missed much except shorter than ever red carpet interviews, David Boreanaz’s stupid hair, two Fox presenters humiliating themselves singing to Steve Buscemi and Lea Michele wearing a vagina-sleeved Marchesa in a desperate attempt to become a Harvey Weinstein concubine. And Betty White. Betty!