Good, cheap wine is the unicorn of adulthood: unbelievable, magical, and potentially life-altering if discovered. Trader Joe’s Two Buck Chuck is probably the closest any of us has ever gotten to that magical beast, though in fairness the price of a bottle of Charles Shaw wine tends to trend upwards the farther from California you find it. But starting September 3rd, Target is entering the market with an exclusive new line of $5 wines. The price is competitive (read: cheap) enough, but will they actually be good?
Does it even matter?
Launching in over 1,100 Target locations across the U.S., the line, called California Roots, will include five blends made from premium California-grown grapes. Here is the official description of the wines, as well as what you should be serving with them:
Profile: Lush tropical fruit flavors and a bright finish will transport you to a warm, sunny day at the farmers market
Pairings: Artisanal cheeses and freshly baked bread
Profile: Vibrant citrus and tropical fruit flavors let you enjoy the fresh, easygoing feeling of summer any time of the year
Pairings: Crisp green salads and fresh fish
Profile: Delicate aromas and creamy peach and melon flavors make every day feel a little more special
Pairings: Sweet, freshly picked berries
Profile: Juicy cherry flavors, hints of oak and graceful finish elevate even the simplest pleasures
Pairings: Thick ribeye steaks
Profile: Smooth berry and cherry flavors with hints of spice offer the perfect antidote to the workweek
Pairings: Wild mushroom pasta and grilled vegetables
Packaged in real bottles (no boxed wine for Target!), these wines might be the convenient and affordable option you’ve been looking for — unless you’re looking for a cheap rosé, because fuck you, that’s not an option. JUST DRINK YOUR PINOT GREEJ AND BE HAPPY!
So go head and add some wine to your cart while you’re picking up those back to school supplies, toothpaste, paper towels, a new mop, jersey bedsheets, and that rickety storage ottoman that’s been marked down to $14. Soon there will be no reason to shop anywhere other than Target. Or even leave the store. Just pop open a bottle and carry it back to the patio furniture display — it’ll be like your own private garden party!