Hello, friend-o on the Internet. If you are reading this (While you are at work. I see you.), you are probably aware of Leonardo DiCaprio and his great and noble—and, up until now, failed—attempt to get an Oscar. The fact that he hasn’t won one yet is something we collectively decided to be obsessed with about three years ago, because … it’s funny? A subconscious command from our alien overlords? I honestly don’t know. Sylvester Stallone has been nominated for two Oscars to Alan Rickman’s lifetime total of none, so I think we can all acknowledge that Oscar noms are a useless way to measure how talented an actor is. BUT LOOK AT LEO AND HOW SAD HE IS THAT HE HASN’T WON HIS OSCAR.
Come February 28th, Leonardo the Boring Turtle will probably break his five-nomination losing streak, because it was so cold when he was filming The Revenant, seriously, so cold, do you know how cold it was? February 28th will also be the day THIS MAN
probably loses his THIRTEENTH OSCAR. HIS THIRTEENTH. SIT DOWN, LEO.
This magnificent Q-tip of a human being is Roger Deakins, the Susan Lucci of cinematographers. He was first nominated back in 1995, for this little beauty:
Since then, he’s gotten Oscar nominations for a few other films that you may have heard of, notably:
—Sicario, which garnered Deakins his latest nod
—O Brother, Where Art Thou?
—No Country for Old Men and The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford —two nominations in one year, because that is how Deakins rolls. Robert Elswit got it for There Will Be Blood, which, OK.
That’s the thing with Deakins—he’s never beaten by someone where you’re like, ugh, screw that nonsense, the movie that won looks like it was shot through a crap-smeared Coke bottle. It’s just never Deakins’ year, despite him being one of our greatest living DPs. 2016 probably won’t be his year, either; Emmanuel “Chivo” Lubezki is considered the frontrunner for his work on The Revenant, which—if he wins—would make him the first person to win Best Cinematography three years in a row.
On the plus side, at least Deakins isn’t sound mixer Kevin O’Connell, who’s gone a record 20 noms with no win. And 2016 could see the end of another (non-Leo) losing streak: That of Diane Warren, seven-time nominee and co-writer of The Hunting Ground’s “Til It Happens to You.” (Fun fact: Warren is also the reason Mannequin, a movie so bad we didn’t even want to bang James Spader in it, has an Oscar nomination.)
But for now, Deakins is just… standing there. Oscar-less. And the Oscars don’t even have free booze! He’ll probably be nominated next year, for his work on the Coen brothers’ Hail, Caesar!, and he’ll probably lose. Because Roger Deakins is a man who pissed off some elder God.