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Starting This Summer, America Will Officially Taste Like Nickel Urine

By Dustin Rowles | Miscellaneous | May 10, 2016 |

By Dustin Rowles | Miscellaneous | May 10, 2016 |

Drink this in, folks:

Now, quickly spit it out because it tastes like the sweat from a hobo’s beard.

If you can’t quite figure out what that spinny GIF in the ad is trying to tell you, it’s that Budweiser — the Bleeding Hemophiliac King of Beers — is changing its name to “America.”

It makes perfect sense, because our associations with a country that Donald Trump is threatening to take over couldn’t quite get any worse. Now, America will be associated with a beer owned by a Belgian conglomerate that produces skunky water that tastes as though it’s been strained through the crust that accumulates beneath your big toe nail.

America: Land of the free, home of water filtered through dirty butt cracks. Mom. Apple Pie, and the canned run-off of armpit farts.