I don’t know if you, like me, wasted your money watching R.I.P.D. in the theaters this summer but if you didn’t and you’re thinking of maybe catching it sometime on cable late one drunken night when you’re all out of options, I urge you, I implore you, don’t. Watch literally anything else. There are a lot of things you should know about R.I.P.D. and its terribleness, but here are two salient points:
1. No, in fact, Mary-Louise Parker does not play an elf of Rivendell in this movie. How kind of you to ask.
2. Yes, she must have a lot of school tuition bills or boat repair bills or some other reason to subject herself to this.
Why am I going on and on about R.I.P.D. when you came here to read about some drunk lady puking on Ryan Reynolds? Because, pets, I want you to forever associate the smell of red wine vomit with the idea of this movie. I’m doing it for Future Drunk Cable-Watching You. The story goes like this. Some lady had too much wine on a flight to New Orleans this weekend and instead of vom-ing into her bag or her lap or the seat pocket in front of her, she turned to her left and tried to vomit out the window. You know. The window that don’t open. Oh, Shiraz, you are a cruel mistress. At any rate, her ruby red effusions splattered all over Ryan Reynolds who was sitting right behind her. Which means he had to take his cashmere sweater off. Which means that for the rest of the flight, the attendants were trying to achieve this:
So, remember folks, R.I.P.D.? Ruby red effusion splatter. You’re welcome.