Every year “Vanity Fair” publishes a list of the top 40 highest-earning players in Hollywood which includes both actors, producers and directors. Because I endeavor to be a good little feminist, I always skim the list to see how many broads make the cut (a disappointingly low six this year) and which of them dames I consider to be worthy of all that cash (sometimes one, maaaybe two). This year’s list was particularly eyebrow wrinkling for me because the number one female earner in 2010 was That Lip Biter, she of the unwashed hair and the perfectly executed eye roll, Kristen Stewart. Here’s the complete list of well-endowed (shut up) ladies:
1. Kristen Stewart—ESTIMATED 2010 EARNINGS: $28.5 MILLION
2. Jennifer Aniston—ESTIMATED 2010 EARNINGS: $24.5 MILLION
3. Angelina Jolie—ESTIMATED 2010 EARNINGS: $23.5 MILLION
4. Sandra Bullock—ESTIMATED 2010 EARNINGS: $22 MILLION
5. Katherine Heigl—ESTIMATED 2010 EARNINGS: $16 MILLION
6. Reese Witherspoon.—ESTIMATED 2010 EARNINGS: $14.5 MILLION
My roiling and uncontrollable hatred for that Twilight girl aside, a list like this is bound to disappoint a snob like me because in order to become one of the top-earning actresses in Hollywood, you have to be all about the paycheck movies. I really hate paycheck movies. When certain actors appear in franchises or exploitation-plosion flicks, I mutter, “Oh, really, Joan Allen? Death Race? Is it gambling debts? It’s gambling debts, right?” But if you’re a top earner, those kind of choices are a foregone conclusion and I’m never surprised by and often soured on those six up there. It’s not that all of them are untalented, some I still find quite winning, but when you churn out winners like How Do You Know? (tsk, Reese) and The Tourist (for shame, Angie), I am reluctant to give you my money. My hard-won teeny tiny Pajiba paycheck. (I’m joking about the paycheck, you guys, Dustin pays us in stale Peeps and bottles of shampoo stolen from hotels.)
So I get it, we all get it, Hollywood is an industry, a money-making enterprise. Actresses are hired and rewarded financially for drawing folks into the theater. But what if I were in charge and could redistribute the wealth, Robin Hood style? Rob from the rich and questionably talented and give to the slightly less rich and exceedingly talented. Truly, these are the stuff folk legends are made of. Here are six chicas I would rather spend my stale Peeps on. (Disclaimer: Some of the babes on this list are quite young and have, you might argue, not had time or opportunity to sell-out. You little cynical scamps, mine is a sweet and innocently beating heart and I choose to believe these ladies will never disappoint me. Mind, if they do, I’ll be the first one calling for their well-coiffed heads.)
Aubrey Plaza replacing Kristen Stewart as “The Disaffected Youth”
Aubrey gives consistently great glower on “Parks and Rec” and was a breath of fresh f*cking air in Scott Pilgrim vs. The World. I will take this moment to give one TINY concession to That Lip Biter when I say that allegedly Stewart turned down the role of Lois Lane in the new Superman flick because she didn’t want to be trapped in another money-making juggernaut of a franchise. I think she’s trying. I still hate her.
Vera Farmiga replacing Jennifer Aniston as “The Marrying Kind”
Vera has more charisma and emotive talent in one hooded eye than Aniston has in her entire tanned, Pilatial body.
Mila Kunis replacing Angelina Jolie as “The Sexual Sociopath”
Oh sweet Godtopus on rye! Tie me up, tie me down, Mila Kunis.
Alison Brie replacing Sandra Bullock as “America’s Sweetheart”
I cannot wait until Alison starts head-lining romantic comedies. The good ones, not the sad, dismal bridal ones.
Kate Winslet replacing Katherine Heigl as “The Stacked Blonde”
Oh Kate, you are, of course, more than a rack and a dye-job to me. I’d give you ALL the peeps.
Patricia Clarkson replacing Reese Witherspoon as “The Southern Belle
See, this is the problem. I do really like Reese and I want to see her in films, if she could just make a good one, please. In the meantime, I’ll pay to hear Patty read me the phone book.
For your edification (and I know you love being edified) here is the full top 40. It cracked me up when, somewhere around Johnny Depp, the list maker lost it and started editorializing. On a serious note, someday, I’d like to see some f*cking female directors and producers on that list. For real, Hollywood, get it together.
Joanna Robinson is an equal opportunity objectifier and enjoys giving Dustin a break. In case you were getting ready to scathe and bitch, that “Pilatial” thing was a joke, not a typo.