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Australia Is At It Again (Though America Won't Let Go Without a Fight)

By Petr Knava | Miscellaneous | January 2, 2019 |

By Petr Knava | Miscellaneous | January 2, 2019 |


What did I tell you?

Australia just keeps on giving.

Just a few days ago it was some—and I don’t think I’ll ever tire of writing this sentence—fu**ing cane toads trying to f**k a fu**ing python while a bunch of other hypemen toads in the background cheer them the f**k on. Now, it’s police rushing to a call concerning a man in a house screaming ‘Why don’t you die?’, only to discover that he was screaming that not at an implacable V and his knives and ideas, but at a spider. Some of which, to be fair, are very much similar to ideas, in that they are also bulletproof, Mister Creedy.

Yes indeed, on New Year’s Day in suburban Perth in Western Australia multiple police officers responded to a call from a concerned citizen who had been passing by a house when he heard a toddler screaming inside as well as a man shouting death threats. Understandably, the passerby thought to alert authorities, though if he had known what had actually been happening at the time he could have of course burst in through the wall brandishing his own spider to deal with the issue. Because as we know the only thing that can really stop a bad guy with a spider is a good guy with a spider.

Instead, the police officers arrived at the house in Wanneroo, assessed the situation, and then, having ascertained that there was no actual situation to assess, wandered off, providing an update on their Twitter page which they later deleted due to it having ‘some typos in it, things like that.’

‘No injuries sighted (except to spider)’


The best part of this whole thing though is that this is not the first time this has happened in Australia. In 2015 police in Sydney also responded to a call from several neighbours regarding what to them sounded like a violent domestic situation, but which again turned out to be an entirely legal (if still not very nice) homo-on-arachnid altercation. The concerned neighbours apparently heard the sounds of furniture being thrown and screams of ‘I’m going to kill you, you’re dead!’ in the early hours of the morning, which is what prompted them to call the police. And that’s a fair enough response, really. I’m honestly surprised my own neighbours haven’t called the old bill on me yet as I have pretty much exactly the same reaction whenever I switch on the telly and it’s showing endless marathons of The Big Bang Theory.

As per The Guardian’s story on the Sydney spider incident of 2015:

A man police described as “out of breath and rather flushed” answered the door and the local area command’s Facebook page documented the exchange that followed.

“Where’s your wife?” an officer asked.

“I don’t have one,” the man replied.

“Where’s your girlfriend?” he pressed.

“I don’t have one,” he said.

Police told the man neighbours had heard the screams, the threats to kill, the dull thud of flung furniture. “Come on mate, what have you done to her?” the officer asked.

“It was a spider,” the man replied sheepishly. “A really big one.”

“What about the woman screaming?”

“Yeah sorry, that was me,” he said. “I really, really hate spiders.”

Already a better script than The Big Bang Theory.

Thank you for the stories, Australia. Much love. Not one to be outdone though, here’s the US, also from 2015:

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Petr is a staff contributor. You can follow him on Twitter.

Header Image Source: Getty Images