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Philadelphia Just Wrote The Next Episode of 'It's Always Sunny'

By Kristy Puchko | Miscellaneous | August 5, 2016 |

By Kristy Puchko | Miscellaneous | August 5, 2016 |

The gang has tackled the topic of dumpster babies, but what about dumpster pools?

For those who’ve never hit up this particular brand of block party, a dumpster pool is created by renting out a dumpster, decking it out “lined with pool noodles and double tarped,” then filling it with water from a street’s fire hydrant.

That’s what the 21-and-over crowd of Cedar Street did to beat the summer heat. And the Philadelphia Mayor’s office is none-too-pleased about it. Issuing a statement that would surely have Dennis ranting, Mac fuming, Dee lamenting, Frank calling his dumpster guy, and Charlie bellowing some version of “Rock, flag, and eagle,” The Mayor’s Office released the following statement, banning dumpster pools from here on out:

“In view of the City’s commitment to public health, safety and basic common sense, we will not issue permits for block party dumpster pools. And while you would think this decision would not require an explanation, three days of press requests have proven otherwise. So, Philly, here’s why you shouldn’t swim in a receptacle most often used for waste:

*First and foremost, this could reduce the amount of water available should a fire break out in that neighborhood. So if you would like to have water available should a fire break out in your home, don’t illegally tap a hydrant
*There is also the potential loss of life by injury due to the hydrant water pushing a small child or even an adult into oncoming traffic.
*Finally, remember that the pressure of the water coming out of the hydrant is so strong, and so powerful, that if opened too quickly or closed too quickly, it could deliver a jolt to the main of sufficient force that could break the main … and many blocks could lose water service until it is repaired.

We are not screwing around, Philly. The Streets Department will not issue any future block party permits to the 2400 block of Cedar, and officials have contacted the dumpster rental company regarding its failures to obtain the proper closure permits and to take mandatory measures to protect the street during placement of the dumpster.

In short, the City strongly recommends that residents opt for recreational options that are safer, more sanitary, and less likely to deplete the resources firefighters need in an emergency.”

“We are not screwing around, Philly.”

This episode just writes itself.


H/T Billy Penn

Kristy Puchko could really go for a milk steak about now.

Kristy Puchko is the managing editor of Pajiba. You can follow her on Twitter.