Remember last week when I said we’d reveal the inaugural Pajiba Pet Peeve Madness tournament champion on Monday? And then Monday came and went without an announcement? And then Tuesday unfolded the exact same way — because Tuesday is a spineless lemming incapable of independent thought — followed by a Wednesday that also failed to deliver any peeve-related news? All this ringing a bell?
Sorry. Every now and then the real world has the temerity to insert itself into my pop culture bubble. I tried to explain to my boss that I promised the world a Pet Peeve champion on Monday, but he’s one of those inflexible, officious pricks who thinks the job he pays me to do takes precedence over a gripe bracket. YOU JUST DON’T GET IT, COMPANY MAN! So bring on the “I bet you’re glad ‘People Who Are Habitually Late’ went down early, Byrd!” comments. Fair enough. Remember, though, anyone who attacks me is a misogynist, and I’m well within my rights to ban you for this life and the next.
Enough excuses and apologizing. We have a winner to crown. After six rounds of voting and a hard-fought title game between No. 8 People Who Use Their Phones in a Theater and No. 4 People Who Drive Slow in the Fast Lane, the first-ever Pajiba Pet Peeve Tournament champion is…
People Who Use Their Phones in a Theater.
Despite my feelings on the outcome, it’s hard to argue that Phones in a Theater isn’t a deserving victor. The Squeeeeeeeeeeeeps regional champion faced five higher-seeded teams on its title run and eliminated each one with ruthless efficiency. Slow Drivers kept it close early as commuters and suburbanites made their feelings known. But it just wasn’t enough to overcome the seething rage generated by theater-goers yapping to friends during The Artist. A 55-45 win doesn’t seem like domination. Against an opponent as tough as Slow Drivers, though, 10 percentage points is essentially a blowout.
A worthy winner? Absolutely. The right one? That’s a different question. As someone who tailgated a van going 54 in a 70 on I-95 for over 20 minutes last night — or roughly 19 minutes more than I’ve seen someone talk on their cell during a movie in my entire life — People Who Use Their Phones in a Theater is objectively the wrong choice, and I’ve lost an unquantifiable amount of respect for our readers. YOU MADE YOUR BED, CITYFOLK WHO CAN’T OPERATE MOTOR VEHICLES!! LIVE WITH IT!!
In all seriousness
urbanites are a plague, thanks to everyone who participated in, commented on, and enjoyed Pet Peeve Madness. A peeve tournament falls a bit outside our traditional daily activities and we had no idea how it would go over with readers. You all embraced this beyond our wildest expectations. So thank you. Hopefully next year’s tournament is even more entertaining.
Your enthusiasm deserves a reward. So enjoy “One Shining Peeve,” the first single off Pajiba’s upcoming mixtape, Yarn Walls and Misandry. Music by Luther Vandross. Lyrics by our own Craig Wack.
A car alarm goes off
And there you are
You’re running really late
Behind a slow moving car
Then someone hates
A thing they’ve not seen
Oh, shit I’ve lost my keys
That makes me really steamed…
With one giant Pet Peeve, that makes you want to yell
One giant Pet Peeve, your day goes to hell
You go to a movie
For some time alone
The film is interrupted
By douche on a phone
You want to leave a comment
But your tensions mount
You cannot type a word
Until you make an account…
With one giant Pet Peeve, your app gets hijacked
One giant Pet Peeve, someone’s gonna get smacked
See the car in two spots
See your niece Airrlyn
Harry Crane is acting dumb
You just can’t win…
And when the day is done
Like a punch in the nose
You cannot go to sleep
Because that alarm still blows
One giant Pet Peeve, an empty TP roll
One giant Pet Peeve, stuck in the center seat
One giant Pet Peeve, yea it’s a robo call!
One giant Pet Peeve
See you all next year.