“America’s Next Top Model” returns tonight to the joy and delight of all (okay, mainly to the joy and delight of figgy). I won’t be watching, because I’ve seen a significant amount of the show thanks to my sister and it suffers from the same problem as all reality shows; while I am vaguely interested in the topics they cover (modeling, fashion, make up, etc.) I am not at all interested in the contestants. You know why Tyra makes it all about her? Because most of the girls on that show aren’t half as interesting as they like to think they are. And we’re supposed to be interesting when they stir shit up? Listen, you lock me in a house with at least a dozen other women between 18 and 24 with no regular TV, internet, or phone access and I’d probably get a little crazy and eat someone else’s yogurt or whatever the hell too. I do have a lasting and reluctant respect for Ms.Banks for making this much of a career out of being extremely pretty, formerly very skinny, and all the time insane. Good for her, I think. Here’s your Wednesday night TV:
8:00pm: “America’s Next Top Model” on The CW. 15th season premiere. Yes, you read that right.
“Big Brother” on CBS
“Masterchef” on Fox
“Minute to Win It” on NBC
9:00pm: “America’s Got Talent” on NBC
“Dark Blue” on TNT. Back to back new episodes. Just in case you were watching, which you probably weren’t.
“Ghost Hunters” on SyFy
“Hellcats” on The CW. Series premiere. I’ve seen promos for this where like, the one girl is a cheerleader and kind of a bitch but not really that awesome of a cheerleader and this other girl who needs a scholarship comes in and is TOTALLY AWESOME at being a cheerleader but thinks cheerleading is dumb, and then they’re all like “Oh my god!” and I’m like “Kill me!” right?
“Inside the NFL” on Showtime. 34th season premiere.
“Man vs. Food” on Travel. The Man will be battling the Food in Portland, Maine tonight.
“Man vs. Wild” on Discovery. This is called “Fan vs. Wild” and I remember a contest a while ago where you could win a chance to be on “Man vs. Wild” so I guess that’s this episode.
9:30pm: “Man vs. Food” on Travel. Tailgating special.
10:00pm: “Animal Planet Presents: Cat Ladies” on Animal Planet. I’d advise some of you to watch this so you can understand how to stay on the non-crazy side of the “Cat Lady” line. I think not dressing your cats in baby clothes and/or pushing them around in cat strollers is probably rule #1.
“Black Gold” on TruTV. Third season premiere.
“Chasing Mummies” on History
“The Choir” on BBCA
“Clean House” on Style
“Criss Angel: Mindfreak” on A&E. Sixth season finale.
“E! Investigates: The Cures of the Lottery II” on E!
“Food Wars” on Travel
“Hard Knocks: Training Camp with the New York Jets” on HBO. Sixth season finale.
“LA Ink” on TLC
“Pros vs. Joes” on Spike. Fifth season finale.
“Psych” on USA. Fifth season summer finale.
“The Real World” on MTV
“Sci-fi Science: Physics of the Impossible” on Science
“Surviving the Cut” on Discovery
“Terriers” on FX. Series premiere.
“Top Chef” on Bravo
“Tyler Perry’s Meet the Browns” on TBS
“100 Greatest Artists of All Time” on VH1
“Who The (Bleep) Did I Marry?” on ID. I only mention this because John Waters is in the commercials and he’s one of my favorite celebrities from Baltimore.
Late Night Listings
“The Late Show with David Letterman” on CBS featuring Julianna Marguiles and the Black Angels
“The Tonight Show with Jay Leno” on NBC featuring Chelsea Handler, Ken Jeong, and Ray LaMontagne
“Jimmy Kimmel Live” on ABC featuring Kevin Nealon, Milla Jovovich, and Interpol
“The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson” on CBS featuring James Lipton and Monica Potter
“Late Night with Jimmy Fallon” on NBC featuring Elijah Wood, Maggie Q, and Andy Haynes
“The Daily Show with Jon Stewart” on Comedy Central featuring Gov. Tim Kaine
“The Colbert Report” on Comedy Central featuring Vice President Joe Biden and Gen. Raymond Odierno. It’s his salute to the troops tonight, so tune in and feel patriotic, dammit.
Intern Rusty is a Masters student at the University of Miami. You can learn more about her at Rusty’s Ventures.