Worst. Surprise. Ever.
Thanks to having a remarkably packed schedule for Monday, I’m writing this on Sunday night, so, you know, if anything really important or notable happens sometime Monday just assume I mentioned it because I’m totally up to date with the news and happenings and not just a pop culture junkie who ignores most items of significance unless they threaten to bump my shows or become trending topics on Twitter. But seriously, I found the more I paid attention to the news coverage the more I had the tendency to get angry and corner poor, helpless people at parties ranting about either what was on the news or the way it was covered so really, it’s best for everyone involved if I just keep to my little sphere of all the television I’m peripherally aware of but don’t watch and the parts of the internet involving drunk text messages and cute animals doing funny things. Anyway, here’s your Monday night TV:
8:00pm: “90210” on The CW
“Chuck” on NBC
“Dancing With the Stars” on ABC
“House” on Fox
“How I Met Your Mother” on CBS. Have we seen any evidence of the Mother yet or is it still just that lame umbrella that showed up around the time I stopped watching?
“Little People, Big World” on TLC
8:30pm: “Monday Night Football: Green Bay Packers at Chicago Bears” on ESPN
“Rules of Engagement” on CBS
9:00pm: “The Best Thing I Ever Ate” on Food Network. Fourth season premiere.
“The Event” on NBC
“Gossip Girl” on The CW
“HBO Special: Teenager Paparazzo” on HBO
“Lone Star” on Fox
“Money Hungry” on VH1
“When Worlds Collide” on PBS
“Top Gear” on BBCA. 15th season premiere. Nick Robinson, Al Murray, Peter Jones, Peta 23 from Essex, Johnny Vaughan, Angelina Jolie, Louie Spence and Amy Williams. Goddamn, that’s a lot of guests.
“Two and a Half Men” on CBS
“WWE: Raw” on USA
9:30pm: “Mike and Molly” on CBS
“Rob Dyrdek’s Fantasy Factory” on MTV
10:00pm: “Chase” on NBC
“Invitation Only: Kenny Chesney” on CMT. Special presentation.
“Diners, Drive Ins and Dives” on Food Network
“Hard Core Pawn” on TruTV. First season finale.
“Hawaii Five-0” on CBS
“Hoarders” on A&E
“Quints by Surprise” on TLC. This is what the title refers to. Seriously, even if I wanted to be pregnant, the last thing I’d want to hear is “Oh, yeah, you’re having five babies. At the same time. Better call Pampers now about ordering in bulk. Oh, and here’s the number for TLC’s casting department.” Seriously, terrifying.
“Scream Queens” on VH1. Second season finale.
“Thintervention with Jackie Warner” on Bravo
“Weeds” on Showtime
“The World of Jenks” on MTV
“Castle” on ABC. I gave this a chance a while ago and just wasn’t drawn in, but given my weakness for procedurals as background noise I’ve thought about giving it another shot. Input?
10:30pm: “The Big C” on Showtime
“The Buried Life” on MTV. Second season premiere.
“Quints by Surprise” on TLC
Late Night Listings
“The Late Show with David Letterman” on CBS featuring Katherine Heigl, Daniel Dae Kim, and Runner Runner
“The Tonight Show with Jay Leno” on NBC featuring Lauren Graham, Vanilla Ice, and Zac Brown Band
“Jimmy Kimmel Live” on ABC featuring Sigourney Weaver, Tom Bergeron, and Randy Houser
“The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson” on CBS featuring Sela Ward and Guillermo Del Toro
“Late Night with Jimmy Fallon” on NBC featuring Susan Sarandon, Andrew Garfield, and the Temper Trap
“The Daily Show with Jon Stewart” on Comedy Central featuring Bill O’Reilly
“The Colbert Report” on Comedy Central featuring Ken Burns
Intern Rusty is a Masters student at the University of Miami. You can learn more about her at Rusty’s Ventures.