I’m always bewildered by how much Mondays still manage to suck even when you’re basically unemployed. It’s like some kind of Pavlovian conditioning that even when you can sleep in, spend the whole day in pajama pants, and your most strenuous decision is what to heat up for lunch, you’re like “Goddammit, it’s Monday.” But not this week, because this week is Shark Week! So it’s not just another Monday, it’s another opportunity to watch sharks being totally terrifying and awesome. Here’s your Monday night TV:
8:00pm: “The Bachelorette” on ABC. Sixth season finale.
“Lie to Me” on Fox
“Video Games Live” on PBS. My siblings saw this a couple years back when it was in Philly and both of loved it. It’s an orchestral show that performs music from popular video games, everything from Super Mario Brothers to Zelda to Halo. Sadly, it does not feature live action accompaniment even though I think some video game plots are convoluted and dramatic enough to easily make the jump to opera. There would be less than no market for that though. Anyway, watch this!
“The Secret Life of the American Teenager” on ABC Family
9:00pm: “American Pickers” on History
“The Best Thing I Ever Ate” on Food Network
“Cake Boss” on TLC
“The Closer” on TNT
“Shark Attack Survival Guide” on Discovery. One hour special presentation. Given what I’ve seen of shark attacks (from Shark Week, naturally) I’m gonna guess that step #1 on this list is to never take up surfing. However, I’m betting that this is more along the lines of the Bear Grylls style of survival training where he tells you what you should never ever do, and then does just that himself so you can see why you should never ever do it. Only with sharks. Awesome!
“The Good Guys” on Fox. First season summer finale.
“12th and Delaware” on HBO. Special presentation.
“Huge” on ABC Family
“Intervention” on A&E
“Last Comic Standing” on NBC
“Money Hungry” on VH1. Series premiere. I like that VH1 is starting to skew its reality shows a little closer to reality. No one’s really looking for love from washed up H to K-list celebrities, they’re looking for cold hard cash and are willing to humiliate themselves on TV for it. Like “Wipeout” but with less obstacle courses and more breathtaking self centeredness.
“Rupaul’s Drag U” on Logo
“Top Gear” on BBCA. OH MY GOD! The guest this week is Geri Halliwell aka Ginger Spice! She was my favorite! I still want that Union Jack dress she had even though I’d never have anywhere to wear it.
“WWE: Raw” on USA
9:30pm: “Clay Aiken - Tried and True: Live!” on PBS
“Rob Dyrdek’s Fantasy Factory” on MTV
10:00pm: “Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations” on Travel. The episode is called “Where it All Began” and I don’t feel like researching to find out if it’s a clip show or a revisit to the first place he ever went. It doesn’t involve sharks, therefore, it is irrelevant.
“Dance Your Ass Off” on Oxygen
“Dateline NBC” on NBC
“Day of the Shark 3” on Discovery.
“Fabulous Cakes” on TLC
“The Hard Times of RJ Berger” on MTV
“James May’s Toy Stories” on BBCA
“Obsessed” on A&E
“The Real Housewives of New Jersey” on Bravo
“Rizzoli and Isles” on TNT
“Scream Queens” on VH1. Second season premiere.
“Shatner’s Aftermath” on Bio. Series premiere.
“The Bachelorette” on ABC. This is an “after the final rose” special. If you care. Which you shouldn’t, because it’s highly unlikely any sharks will show up.
Late Night Listings
“The Late Show with David Letterman” on CBS featuring Will Ferrell, and Damian Marley & Nas
“The Tonight Show with Jay Leno” on NBC featuring Sylvester Stallone, Criss Angel, and Queens of the Stone Age
“Jimmy Kimmel Live” on ABC featuring Shaquille O’Neal and Ali Fedotowsky
“The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson” on CBS featuring Eddie Izzard and George Hamilton
“Late Night with Jimmy Fallon” on NBC featuring Kathy Griffin, Adam McKay, and Trey Songz
“The Daily Show with Jon Stewart” on Comedy Central featuring Mary Roach
“The Colbert Report” on Comedy Central featuring Jimmy Cliff
Intern Rusty is a Masters student at the University of Miami. You can learn more about her at Rusty’s Ventures.