Happy Cinco de Mayo! Today we celebrate the brilliance of Corona’s marketing team in discerning that Americans are extremely fond of cultural holidays that we perceive to be centered around drinking themed alcohol (see: St.Patrick’s Day) and that any excuse to eat nachos is a good one. It sends a clear and coherent message to other cultures that we will adopt your fun holidays with glee but god forbid you ever try to move here. I do not yet have a comically oversized margarita in my hand, but as I’m writing this it’s not even 2:30pm, so it’s only a matter of time. Of course, if you’re not in a celebratory mood, it appears that the Thursday night shows are new and where they’re supposed to be for like, the second week in a row now which shouldn’t be remarkable but unfortunately is. Here’s your Thursday night TV:
8:00pm: “American Idol” on Fox
“The Big Bang Theory” on CBS
“Community” on NBC
“The Vampire Diaries” on The CW
“Wipeout: Spring Wipeout” on ABC. Hilariously, tonight’s episode is called “The Most Dramatic Rose Ceremony Ever.” I love it when television makes fun of itself.
8:30pm: “HBO Special: Precious Life” on HBO. This is a documentary made about a four month old Palestinian boy who needs to get a bone marrow transplant at an Israeli hospital. The film was an official selection of the Toronto Film Festival last year.
“Rules of Engagement” on CBS
“NHL Playoffs: Vancouver at Nashville, Game 4” on Versus
9:00pm: “Bones” on Fox
“CSI: Stand Back, I’m Going to Try SCIENCE!” on CBS
“Grey’s Anatomy” on ABC
“Nikita” on The CW
“The Office” on NBC
“PBS Special: Thoroughbred” on PBS
“Police Women” on TLC
“Swamp People” on History
9:30pm: “Parks and Recreation” on NBC
10:00pm: “24 Hour Restaurant Battle” on Food Network
“30 Rock” on NBC. Fifth season finale.
“Manhunters” on A&E. Man, A&E really loves watching criminals getting hunted down, don’t they? I swear, anytime I turn that channel on when they’re NOT airing marathons of “Criminal Minds” it’s either a cop looking tense, a bounty hunter looking tense, or some unfortunate individual pinned to the ground with his arms behind his back attempting to proclaim his innocence. I mean, at least they know their niche.
“The Mentalist” on CBS
“Mounted in Alaska” on History
“Pawn Queens” on TLC. Series premiere.
“Randy Jackson Presents: America’s Best Dance Crew” on MTV
“The Real Housewives of New York City” on Bravo
“Private Practice” on ABC
10:30pm: “Outsourced” on NBC
“Secret Diary of a Call Girl” on Showtime
11:00pm: “Gigolos” on Showtime
“Son of a Gun” on MTV
Late Night Listings
“The Late Show with David Letterman” on CBS featuring Jodie Foster, Tom Dreesen, and Neon Trees
“The Tonight Show with Jay Leno” on NBC featuring Wanda Sykes, Ralph Macchio, and Priscilla Ahn
“Jimmy Kimmel Live” on ABC featuring Chris Hemsworth and Calexico
“The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson” on CBS featuring Juliette Lewis and Phil Rosenthal
“Late Night with Jimmy Fallon” on NBC featuring Tina Fey, Tom Welling, and Twin Shadow
“Last Call with Carson Daly” on NBC featuring Dave Zirin, Dan Harmon, and Mini Mansions
“The Daily Show with Jon Stewart” on Comedy Central featuring Jon Meacham
“The Colbert Report” on Comedy Central featuring Bill James
“Chelsea Lately” on E featuring Dita Von Teese, John Caparulo, Fortune Feimster, and Greg Fitzsimmons
“Conan” on TBS featuring John Krasinski, Blake Griffin and Ian Edwards. With those two first guests, Conan might actually appear to be a normal sized human being for a brief period of time.
Intern Rusty is a Masters student at the University of Miami. You can learn more about her at Rusty’s Ventures