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Smize, Tyra!

By Genevieve Burgess | Miscellaneous | March 10, 2010 |

By Genevieve Burgess | Miscellaneous | March 10, 2010 |

“America’s Next Top Model” returns tonight with its 14th season, which means that absolutely no one on that show should still be entertaining any delusions that they will one day be a successful model. That’d be like going on “Rock of Love” thinking you’re really going to fall in love with and marry Bret Michaels. First of all, they’re all too old. If you weren’t heaved onto a runway and told to exude an aura of mature sensuality when you were a hungry 14-year-old, you might as well give up. Second of all, it should be pretty obvious by now that the show exists primarily to indulge Tyra Bank’s ego. (See also: “The Tyra Show”. Ms. Banks has at least two shows worth of ego.) However, I suspect that, like most reality television “stars,” the current contestants of “America’s Next Top Model” have conflated “famous” with “I acted like an ass on TV” and are trying to become the former by doing the latter. It should at least be entertaining to watch. Here’s your Wednesday night:

8:00 p.m.: “America’s Next Top Model” on the CW. 14th season premiere, 90 minutes long.

“Human Target” on Fox. This thing’s still going? All right then.

“Mercy” on NBC.

“The New Adventures of Old Christine” on CBS.

“When Irish Eyes Are Smiling: An Irish Parade of Stars” on PBS.

“Scrubs” on ABC.

8:30 p.m.: “Gary Unmarried” on CBS.

“The Middle” on ABC.

9:00 p.m.: “American Idol: Top 8 Male Semifinalists Perform” on Fox. There’s still 16 of these people hanging around? Didn’t this show start back in the beginning of January? Now that I actually am aware of how often “American Idol” is on and how long they drag this shit out, I’m becoming far happier that I don’t watch it.

“Criminal Minds” on CBS.

“Ghost Hunters” on SyFy. I think SyFy’s ghost people and A&E’s ghost people should have some kind of cage match for which one gets to stay on TV, because there are entirely too many non-fictional ghost and/or paranormal related shows in existence right now. And I don’t watch any of them, but I’d totally watch that cage match.

“Modern Family” on ABC.

“The Real Housewives of Orange County: Reunion Special Part 1” on Bravo. There is nothing about this title that does inspire murderous rage in me.

9:30 p.m.: “Cougar Town” on ABC.

“Dog the Bounty Hunter” on A&E.

“High Society” on The CW. Series premiere. I wish I could tell you this was an amusing sitcom based around the antics of college stoners, but alas, it appears to be a reality show full of New York “socialites” who are probably just rich bratty teenagers.

“The Inbetweeners” on BBCA.

“Rounder Records 40th Anniversary Concert” on PBS.

10:00 p.m.: “CSI: NY” on CBS.

“Dog the Bounty Hunter” on A&E. New time slot.

“Law and Order: Special Victims Unit” on NBC. New time slot.

“Psych” on USA. Fourth season finale.

“Shear Genius” on Bravo. I think “Shear Genius” should do a cross over for the make-over episode of “America’s Next Top Model”. It’s not like they could do a worse job than in previous seasons.

“Tyler Perry’s House of Payne” on TBS.

“Ugly Betty” on ABC.

Intern Rusty is a Masters student at the University of Miami. You can learn more about her at Rusty’s Ventures. You can also follow her at, but she’s bad at twitter so you probably don’t want to.

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Genevieve Burgess is a Features Contributor for Pajiba. You can follow Genevieve Burgess on Twitter.