Tonight sees the return of the singular “RuPaul’s Drag Race” which is continuing the scale of just how much gay can be on prime time TV. It was tested back at the American Music Awards when Adam Lambert rubbed his crotch in that dude’s face before trying to make out with his keyboardist to make sure that no one would remember the song he was actually playing. (Side note: He totally succeeded.) Then last weekend we saw Johnny Weir skate an exhibition piece to Lady Gaga’s “Poker Face” on NBC’s pre-Olympics figure skating special while dressed like, well, Johnny Weir. And of course last night CBS kicked off the Grammys with a performance pairing the aforementioned Ms.Gaga with the original bitch himself, Elton John, while they both wore rhinestone studded sunglasses. This coming weekend we have an hours-long event held in South Florida in which large muscular men will don tight pants, attempt to wrestle each other to the ground, and celebrate doing so with affectionate pats on the rear and impassioned embraces. If you graph this progression I’m positive it turns out that this season of “24” ends with Jack Bauer in bed with another dude. I await this outcome with breathless anticipation. Anyway, here’s your Monday night television:
8:00 p.m.: “The Bachelor” on ABC.
“Chuck” on NBC. Another fan favorite I’ve never seen a single episode of. Meh.
“House” on Fox. Hey, you guys! I bet in this episode, House acts like a dick but turns out to be brilliant! And a dick.
“How I Met Your Mother” on CBS.
“One Tree Hill” on The CW.
“The Secret Life of the American Teenager” on ABC Family.
“Top Gear” on BBCA. The title for this episode is just listed as “Stephen Fry” so all you Fry fans are on notice.
8:30 p.m.: “Accidentally on Purpose” on CBS.
9:00 p.m.: “24” on Fox.
“The BET Honors” on BET. Special two hour presentation.
“Cake Boss” on TLC.
“For the Love of Ray J” on VH1. Not only is this episode double the length of a usual episode, but it’s double the length for a clip show. I’m beginning to think the infamous “I’m Peeing on Kim Kardashian” sex tape might not go down in history as the most embarrassing event Ray J ever committed to video.
“Heroes” on NBC.
“Intervention” on A&E. It’s not a regular “Intervention”, but rather an in-depth special on huffing specifically. I’m betting this means crowd favorite Allison the computer duster addict will be making an appearance.
“Life Unexpected” on The CW.
“RuPaul’s Drag Race” on Logo. Second season premiere.
“Two and a Half Men” on CBS.
9:30 p.m.: “The Big Bang Theory” on CBS.
10:00 p.m.: “Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations” on Travel. He’s going to Prague! I’ve been to Prague, it was awesome! People kept trying to speak to me in Czech and there was a place called “The Sex Machine Museum” which, disappointingly, did not have a special shrine to James Brown. I believe Mr. Bourdain will be focusing more on the culinary offerings. Those were good too.
“The Buried Life” on MTV.
“CSI: Miami” on CBS.
“Damages” on FX.
“Fantasia for Real” on VH1.
“Hoarders” on A&E.
“The Jay Leno Show” on NBC. Maybe. The spot for an episode title says “new (?) episode” so it may still be up for debate whether or not this is a new episode. Does it really matter though? It’s still Jay Leno either way.
“Kell on Earth” on Bravo. Series premiere.
“Men of a Certain Age” on TNT.
“Motor City Motors” on Discovery.
“RuPaul’s Drag Race: Untucked” on Logo. Series premiere. I’m thinking “Untucked” must not mean what I think it means, but maybe the censor standards are a little looser over on Logo.
“Secret Diary of a Call Girl” on Showtime. Third season premiere.
“Worst Cooks in America” on Food Network. First season finale on a special night.
Intern Rusty is a Masters student at the University of Miami. You can learn more about her at Rusty’s Ventures.