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The Night the World Ends

By Sarah Larson | Miscellaneous | December 29, 2009 |

By Sarah Larson | Miscellaneous | December 29, 2009 |

It’s New Year’s Eve, so most of you will either be unconscious in a bar bathroom by 8:30, or sitting at home on your living rooms, where you may or may not be drinking, but you will almost definitely be wearing pajamas and flipping channels like monkeys trained to punch a button until a treat comes out of a hopper. I am one of those in the latter category, because partying is hard work and I’m old and tired, just like the rest of my homies in the nursing home.

Anyway, there are LOTS of reruns and basketball on tonight, but we’re not going to talk about any of that, because nobody cares about reruns and I don’t care about basketball (what? I’m the most important!). Instead, let’s discuss the mindless drivel we’ll be watching until we all fall asleep on our sofas around 11:45pm. Then when we wake up, we’ll be in the future!

Tick-tock, it’s almost 2010!

6:00pm EST

Disney: “New Year’s Eve Star Showdown.” This bitch is 720 minutes long and involves, among other things, The Jonas Brothers and a game show. I’d strongly advise against going anywhere near it.

7:00pm EST

TLC: “My Husband’s Three Wives.” This is about a dude with two wives and a half dozen kids, who gets a third wife (I’m guessing he traded her for six camels and a goat). The blurb says that Wife #1 and Wife #2 don’t want Wife #3. Maybe there will be hazing involved, like Wife #3 will wake up one morning with an eyebrow missing, a severed horse head in her bed and a raccoon’s paw in her mouth.

Univision: “Premios Juventood 2009.” Youth Awards? The hell are the Youth Awards? Do babies win prizes? The descriptive blurb just says, “Premios para los latinos más populares del momento.” So I’m guessing the babies aren’t the winners, unless babies are the most popular Latinos. Maybe the babies picked the winners. Like, whoever they drool on the most gets a prize, just like how they dump green slime on people at the Nickelodeon Kids Choice Awards. I bet that’s it.

8:00pm EST

ABC: Wild Hogs. Hey, have you always wondered what it might feel like if your brain melted and dripped out your ears? You can find out if you watch this movie!

FX: Ice Age 2: The Meltdown. I never saw this. I have the first one on DVD, but I never watch it because the only really good part is that jacked up squirrel-thing. Holy shit, that guy REALLY loves his nut.

CNN: “All the Best, All the Worst of 2009.” A decade retrospective.

CNBC: “10 Years in the Making.” Another decade retrospective.

Cartoon Network: Scooby-Doo! The Mystery Begins. This is some jackassy live-action prequel movie or something. Like I said earlier this week, the Cartoon Network can kiss my ass.

Hallmark: Most Wonderful Time of the Year.
Dear Hallmark:
This is a Christmas movie. Christmas was last week. Get with the programme, fools. Why haven’t you made some idiotic New Year’s movie, huh? It could star Delta Burke as a wicked witch who doesn’t want to age, so she steals the New Year Baby and locks it in a cage and puts the cage in a tree and sends the tree to Saturn or someplace, and Jane Seymour is another wicked witch, but she’s sooooo wicked that she never ages no matter what and SHE wants to steal the New Year Baby and feed it a potion to make it grow up super fast so time speeds up and everyone in the whole world becomes geriatric and she’s the youngest and most beautiful, and Valerie Bertinelli has to rescue the New Year Baby from the wicked witches, but she is distracted by a tumultuous romance with Patrick Duffy, so OH NO, WILL THEY GET TO THE NEW YEAR BABY ON TIME? Get back to me when that movie happens, Hallmark.
P.S. Points for having Henry Winkler in this Christmas movie, though. If you can somehow squeeze The Fonz into the New Year movie, that’d be great.

TLC: “Forbidden Love: Polygamy.” I guess TLC thinks 2010 is gonna be the year of Big Love or some shit. I’m not interested until they have a show with an actual harem, like where they have to dress like genies and stuff. The involvement of eunuchs is negotiable.

Lifetime: Maneater. I’ve never heard of this, but it stars Second Becky (that girl from “Scrubs”) and Maria Conchita Alonso and it’s described as, “A thirtysomething Hollywood socialite fears becoming an old maid and concocts a plan to snag a famous filmmaker with help from her family and friends.” OH MY GOD, I LOVE IT ALREADY. I hope there are fake accents!

Bravo: The Replacements. I never saw this movie. It’s that thing with Keanu Reeves playing football, right? I would never watch this. I’m bored just from typing these few sentences about it.

9:00pm EST

PBS: “Live From Lincoln Centre.” A two-hour concert from the New York Philharmonic Orchestra, hosted by Alec Baldwin.

E!: The Sweetest Thing. I hate this movie. Don’t watch it, or you’ll be tainted and I’ll be forced to hate you, too.

TruTV: “The Smoking Gun Presents: World’s Dumbest Criminals.” Two hours straight of brand new, never-before-seen retards, fools and idiots and the incompetent hooliganism they get up to.

ABC: “Dick Clark’s Primetime New Year’s Rockin’ Eve With Ryan Seacrest.” Jesus, that is a MOUTHFUL. I ain’t watchin’ this thing, and ain’t no way anybody’s gonna make me. Dick Clark only manages to cling to life because they’ve got a cattle prod MacGyvered into his wheelchair, and they shock him every time his heart stops. They only trot him out for five minutes and then it’s back inside the freezer until next year. Ryan Seacrest hosts this show now, and I won’t watch anything with that shiny orange Muppet in it.

NBC: “New Year’s Eve With Carson Daly.” Well, that’s nice that NBC spent the time and trouble trying to make the Ryan Seacrest show look not-so-bad by comparison, but I ain’t fallin’ for it.

Hallmark: I’ll Be Home for Christmas. Not content to be just a week behind, Hallmark is moving on to being a week behind AND airing 11-year-old movies starring Jonathan Taylor Thomas and Jessica Biel. Whatever, Hallmark.

TLC: “Strange Sex.” Jeeze, TLC has a serious hard-on today, huh? This show is new, and the blurb says, “Four people with various sexual disorders and anomalies are profiled in this look at the impact and treatment of their conditions.” It doesn’t say what the disorders and anomalies are, but there’s probably at least one hermaphrodite. Here’s hoping that there’s ALSO a woman with a second vagina instead of a belly button, a dude with a hemipene, and a eunuch (just in case the eunuchs don’t pan out in that harem movie).

MTV: “Jersey Shore.” This is a new episode. I don’t watch this show, so I’m not sure what happens. I would guess that some people are orange and trashy with gigantic hair, and they yell a lot and possibly punch each other. And then go to the mall. They gotta buy more Aquanet and Tan in a Can, yo.

10:30pm EST

FX: Night at the Museum. I never saw this, because I hate Ben Stiller and I can barely even handle Dodgeball, which has the combined awesome of Rip Torn, Stephen Root, AND Alan Tudyk to balance out Stiller’s annoying ass. What does Night at the Museum have going for it? Robin Williams? PASS.

11:00pm EST

FOX News: “All-American New Year.” Hahaha! HAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!1!!

BET: “106 & Party.” Another New Year special.

MTV: “MTV New Year’s Eve: Top 9 of 2009.” I hope you don’t think they mean the top music videos of 2009. C’mon man, MTV hasn’t shown music videos since about 1995. This shit’s gonna be a solid hour of reality show clips. It’ll be just like The Soup, but without Joel McHale, so… yeah, the same thing, but without any of the funny or awesome.

Lifetime: Maneater is STILL HAPPENING. Wait, does that mean… IS THIS A MINISERIES? Sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet.

E!: “Chelsea Lately.” Snoop Dogg is the guest. I forgot he existed. What’s he been up to? I don’t trust Chelsea to find out. She’ll probably just ask him for the number of his favourite dealer and then make Chuy sit on his lap or something.

The History Channel: “Strange Rituals: Forbidden Sex.” Ooooh la la, it looks like TLC isn’t the only channel with a hard-on today! This one’s blurb says, “Sexual practices and taboos are examined. Included: vestal virgins of ancient Rome; sexual practices in Maoist China; polygamy in Mormonism; incest; and Tantric sexual healing.” Does that mean Sting is gonna be on this show?

11:30pm EST

NBC: “New Year’s Eve With Carson Daly.” I still ain’t fallin’ for it, NBC!

12:00am EST

TLC: “Forbidden Love: Geisha.” Jeez, TLC. You might wanna see a doctor about that priapism.

Lifetime: Nora Roberts’ Northern Lights. Hee! This is totally the movie where LeAnn Rimes met that dude and then they had an affair and busted up both of their marriages! Hahaha! It’s hysterical that they’re re-running this thing. I guess Lifetime’s idea of saying “Happy New Year” is to give LeAnn Rimes the finger.

Sarah Larson lives in Minnesota, where she is usually up to no good. She only updates her blog when bullied into it, but you can read the archive here if you’re bored enough.

Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here, follow him on Twitter, or listen to his weekly TV podcast, Podjiba.

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