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No Whining -- Seriously -- Wednesday

By Sarah Larson | Miscellaneous | December 30, 2009 |

By Sarah Larson | Miscellaneous | December 30, 2009 |

Today smells. There’s nothing on. “Glee” won’t be back until like next October or whatever the hell. TV is lame. It’s No Whining Wednesday and I’m feeling so very whiny, but Lord knows I love me some Lainey Lickabrainey and I know how she loves it when we all quit our crybaby fussing for just five goddamn minutes a week, so I will TRY to find the positive in the sack o’ crap TV schedule for today.

7:00pm EST

Nickelodeon: “iCarly.” Also known as “The Only Show I Watch Besides Glee” but also-also known as “Another Show With No New Episodes Until Approximately 2014”. This one is the episode where Carly and Sam both have the hots for Freddie’s nerd/not-nerd friend and they end up having a competition to see who can kiss him first. This is also the episode where Spencer has a repairman come fix the elevator, but the repairman just wants to dance and dance and DANCE, and this is ALSO-ALSO the episode where Sam shoves the fat nurse.

Nick: “iCarly.” This is the episode where Carly’s old best friend Missy moves to town and bitches up the joint, until Sam has her shipped off to sea. It’s also the episode where Spencer’s arch nemesis locks him in a cage in the basement.

7:30pm EST

ABC Family: Practical Magic. This movie is retarded as hell and I LOVE IT SO MUCH. Sandra Bullock and Nicole Kidman play the world’s worst witches, although they do manage to kill a dude (twice!). Oh, and at one point, Nicole Kidman turns into a man and starts farting frogs.

8:00pm EST

CBS: “The New Adventures of Old Christine.” It’s a repeat.

ABC: “Happy New Year, Charlie Brown.” I didn’t even know this existed. How have I never seen this? Apparently, it’s set in 1985 and somehow involves Tolstoy’s War and Peace. Suddenly, it’s much more clear why I never bothered to watch it.

FOX: “Glee.” IT’S A GODDAMN REPEAT, OKAY? There won’t be any new episodes until long after we all qualify for Social Security. HOWEVER, this is the mashup episode, so YAY! I loved the “Halo”/”Walking on Sunshine” mashup the girls did, mostly because I am cheesy and I really love the song “Walking on Sunshine”, but also possibly because I cannot hear the words “walking on sunshine” without thinking of Allison from “Intervention” and laughing my ass off.

NBC: “The Office.” It’s a repeat. Also, I’ve never seen this show. Not the US version, and not the UK version. I have no intention of ever watching either one, no matter how hard people try to convince me otherwise. I feel so much better now that I’ve gotten that off my chest.

The CW: “One Tree Hill.” It’s a repeat. I can’t believe this show is still on. Isn’t this the one about basketball? Hasn’t it been on, like, since the “Dawson’s Creek” days or something? It’s the one with that Chad Matthew Mitchel guy, right? I don’t believe for one second that anybody actually watches this show. I think this is an elaborate hoax perpetrated by The CW, possibly as part of a money laundering scheme. I bet it’s because they’re smuggling weapons. ALIEN weapons.

WGN: Tango & Cash. I always get this movie confused with Turner & Hooch. This is either the one with Tom Hanks and a dog, or the one with… uhh… Sylvester Stallone? I think it’s Stallone. Him and some other guy. I don’t remember.

FX: Rocky Balboa. Okay, I’m pretty sure this one definitely has Sylvester Stallone. There may or may not be a dog. Oh, but there’s totally that Milo Ventimilipedophilia guy! It’s like a stroke-face convention up in this joint.

Disney: Princess Protection Program. HAHAHAHA! Ohhhhh man, even I won’t watch that shit.

Hallmark: Christmas in Canaan. Oh my God, y’all. SERIOUSLY, OH MY GOD. This is apparently a movie based on a book by Kenny motherfucking Rogers, starring Billy Ray Cyrus as a dude who fights racism using puppies. Or something. I don’t know, the words in the description got a little blurry because I was laughing so hard that I started crying.

The Style Network: Doc Hollywood. Um… was there a lot of “style” in this movie that I missed? Wasn’t this the one where Michael J. Fox becomes BFF with a pig?

USA: Gone Baby Gone. I never saw this, but supposedly it was good. So, you know, you could watch it. If you want. Or you could watch that thing with Billy Ray Cyrus and the Rainbow Coaliton Canines. It’s your life, man.

AMC: Aliens. Well, now there’s just no excuse for watching Billy Ray and the RCC. Sorry, Hallmark.

8:30pm EST

CBS: “Gary Unmarried.” Never heard of it. Whatever, it’s a repeat anyway.

ABC: “The Middle.” Is this the same as “Malcolm in the Middle”? Did they change the name? Why? Whatever, this is a repeat, anyway. Besides, the only episode I’ve ever seen is the one where one of the sons gets a credit card and buys a bunch of appliances.

NBC: “The Office.” Another repeat.

9:00pm EST

CBS: “Criminal Minds.” I don’t even know what the hell this show is. Is it new? No, don’t even bother telling me because I don’t care and I won’t watch it anyway. Neither should you, because it’s a repeat.

ABC: “Modern Family.” Repeat.

FOX: “Glee.” Repeat.

NBC: “The Office.” Repeat.

The CW: “Gossip Girl.” Repeat.

Bravo: Men in Black II. This seems like a rather odd fit with the rest of Bravo’s programming, doesn’t it?

The History Channel: “Jobsite: Concrete Countdown.” This is apparently a new reality show. The blurb says, “Following construction workers as they pour cement on the top floor of a Manhattan skyscraper.” WHAT THE FUCK? THAT AIN’T HISTORY! Unless goddamn Napoleon is up there with a rake spreading out the concrete while Hitler follows behind him smoothing out the lines and Julius Caesar yells through a bullhorn that they missed a spot, then this shit has NO BUSINESS being on the History Channel.

The Discovery Channel: “Everest: Beyond the Limit.” This is a new episode. I hope I’m not spoiling it for you, but in this episode, some dudes walk up a hill. It’s so new and different from the other episodes!

9:30pm EST

ABC: “Cougar Town.” Is this the one with Courtney Cox? I thought I read someplace that this got cancelled. Is it still on? Nevermind. I don’t care. Oh, and it’s a repeat.

NBC: “The Office.” Repeat.

A&E: “Dog the Bounty Hunter.” Did you know that the subtitle of this show is, “Chronicles of an Unrepentant Racist”? Because it is. You might not have noticed because the print for the subtitle is verrrrrrry small. This is a new episode, but you shouldn’t watch it. First of all, this show and everyone on it is retarded. Second, it pisses me off that A&E even lets this asshole’s show keep airing.

10:00pm EST

CBS: “CSI: New York.” It’s a repeat.

ABC: “Eastwick.” This is a new episode, but you should absolutely not watch it. If you’ve got a hankerin’ to see some shit with witches, then either you should’ve watched Practical Magic when you had the chance, or you should just watch the movie The Witches of Eastwick like a goddamn normal person instead of wasting your time on this crap.

NBC: I don’t think NBC airs anything in this timeslot. Just white noise.

FX: Rocky Balboa. STROKEFACE! Yes, this was just on. You want to watch it again, don’t you? If you watch it enough, your face will freeze just like Sly’s!

Hallmark: The Christmas Choir. Holy shit, you guys. The descriptive blurb for this thing is even dumber than anything I’d make up. Check it out: “A run-in with a homeless man inspires a recently-dumped workaholic to organise a choir at a local shelter with help from a nun.” If they would’ve just added in a bit about the nun going on a homicidal rampage when the choir fails to harmonise properly, then it’d almost be like I wrote this movie.

TLC: “The Imploders.” This is a show where they blow shit up. No, really, that’s it. Just blowin’ shit up. All assplosions, all the time. BOOM!

MTV: “The Real World.” This show is still on? For realsies?

HGTV: “House Hunters International.” This is a new episode, which means it’s one which I have not seen, which means I can barely contain my excitement. I don’t know why I even like this show, BUT I DO. If they had four new episodes every day, I would watch them all. I have no idea why. It’s a compulsion.

TBS: “Tyler Perry’s Meet the Browns.” I don’t even know what this show is about. I’ll hazard a guess and say it involves a man dressed as a fat lady, and somebody ends up in jail.

Spike: “1000 Ways to Die.” This show would like you to believe that bad breath can kill you.

TruTV: “Conspiracy Theory With Jesse Ventura.” GET OUT. They gave that guy a SHOW?

The History Channel: “Jobsite: Deadline Delivery.” Another new episode, “Following an international FedEx team as it races to transport a live-saving drug from China to a hospital in New York City.” Again, unless Chairman Mao is doing the racing, THIS SHIT AIN’T HISTORY.

The Discovery Channel: “Everest: Beyond the Limit.” Wow, you guys, the drama and excitement here is killing me. Will there be a hill in this episode? Will some dudes walk up the hill? I CAN’T HANDLE THE SUSPENSE!

A&E: “Steven Seagal: Lawman.” I am given to understand that this show is hilariously awfulsome, but I am tragically handicapped by my unmitigated, fiery hatred of Steven Seagal and thus cannot ever taste the delicious cheese on offer here. But I will somehow find the strength to pick up the pieces of my shattered heart and move on. Consoling myself with episodes of “iCarly” and a four pound bucket of peanuts should help.

Sarah Larson lives in Minnesota, where she is usually up to no good. She only updates her blog when bullied into it, but you can read the archive here if you’re bored enough.

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Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here, follow him on Twitter, or listen to his weekly TV podcast, Podjiba.