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The Waffle Crisis

By Sarah Larson | Miscellaneous | December 29, 2009 |

By Sarah Larson | Miscellaneous | December 29, 2009 |

So, Lainey calls me today and she tells me this whole convoluted thing about new episodes of “Scrubs” and “Better Off Ted” and how they’re supposed to be on today but they’re really on Friday and she’s chattering in my ear about how she’s not at home and can’t check her DVR and she doesn’t remember what day they’re airing and WHAT IS THIS, HER JOB? Well, it’s a damn good thing it’s NOT her job, because she is a lying liar who tells lies. I don’t even remember what “Better Off Ted” is and I thought “Scrubs” got canceled like two years ago, but I still somehow managed to suss out that “Scrubs” is a repeat tonight and “Better Off Ted” is a new episode. Or possibly the other way ‘round. I don’t know, I already wrote up the rest of this column and I’m just filling out the intro now and I can’t be bothered to scroll down and check. Anyway, THE POINT IS, Lainey doesn’t know what the hell she’s talking about. Although to be fair, I didn’t know what the hell she was talking about, either. I’m so used to her calling me crying about The Waffle Crisis that I don’t even know what to do anymore when she talks about other stuff. It’s like the words are in English, but I just don’t understand.

7:00pm EST

Cartoon Network: Scooby Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed. Really, Cartoon Network? I mean, SERIOUSLY? You have the rights to the entire Scooby Doo catalogue, and THIS is how you choose to spend two hours of airtime? Kiss my ass, Cartoon Network.

Nickelodeon: “iCarly.” It’s the one where they give away a car and Nevel wins. I love the episodes with Nevel, because Nevel reminds me SO MUCH of this woman I know, and that makes me love to hate him.

SyFy: “Ghost Hunters Academy.” I didn’t even read the blurb for this. I’m only including it because I think it’s so goddamn hilarious that this is even a show. I wonder if this academy has uniforms? I’m also wondering about their policies on fraternisation, and if they issue demerits when they find a fleshling student in a broom cupboard, trying to figure out how to feel up a non-corporeal student.

TLC: “Little Couple.” More midgets, because TLC is almost as obsessed with midgets as they are with medical oddities. These midgets don’t make chocolate, though. They probably don’t even sing. These are totally sub-par midgets, TLC.

8:00pm EST

ABC: Rudolph’s Shiny New Year. I saw this thing several times as a child, but I don’t remember it very well and so I still have no idea what the shit Rudolph has to do with New Year’s. This is the one with Father Time and the New Year Baby, right? If it’s not, then this might not even be the New Year’s movie I saw as a kid. Maybe I’ve never seen this one before. Hell, I don’t know. The parts of my brain containing New Year’s memories are essentially pickled from all the alcohol.

FOX: The Benchwarmers. I couldn’t remember what this movie was, so I looked it up and it turns out that it stars Rob Schneider, David Spade, Jon Heder and Jon Lovitz. Jesus Christ, that’s like if somebody made a casserole out of old man toenail clippings, baby spit-up, earwax and the severed penis of a syphilitic leper. Nobody wants to eat your casserole of nightmares, FOX. Throw it away.

NBC: “Parks and Recreation.” It’s a repeat.

The CW: “90210.” It’s a repeat.

WGN: Pump Up the Volume. Now I’m depressed. Now I feel like killing myself, but luckily I’m too depressed to bother.

AMC: Ghost. True story: at one point in this movie, Demi Moore cries out of only one eye. I saw this in the theatre (oh shut up, I was twelve and twelve-year-olds will watch anything) and when Demi Moore started crying out of one eye, my friend and I could NOT STOP LAUGHING and we almost got kicked out of the theatre and an old lady called us hooligans. That’s the only time in real, actual life that I’ve ever heard someone use the word “hooligan” un-ironically.

Disney: The Parent Trap. Not the Hayley Mills one; the Lindsay Lohan one, from back when she still had red hair and cognitive function.

FX: 28 Weeks Later. ZOMBIES! This one isn’t nearly as good as 28 Days Later, but it has the dude from The Hurt Locker and the girl from that show with Glenn Close fleeing from zombies, and really, shouldn’t that be enough?

Hallmark: Mr. St. Nick. The descriptive blurb says this movie stars Kelsey Grammar as the son of Santa Claus, which is pretty much the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard of. HOWEVER, it also says that Mrs. Claus is played by that old lady who played Mona on “Who’s the Boss?” and that’s hysterical because now all of a sudden Mrs. Claus is a slutty grandma. Things get slightly less hysterical when you think about the twisted shit she probably has the elves handcraft for use during Santa’s off season.

8:30pm EST

NBC: “Parks and Recreation.” Repeat.

USA: No Country for Old Men. Isn’t this still on Netflix’s insty-watch? I swear it’s been on there for ages, but if you’d rather see it censored and filled with commercials, well then today is your lucky day!

9:00pm EST

ABC: “Scrubs.” It’s a repeat.

CBS: Kennedy Center Honours. Does anybody actually watch this? I’ve never heard of anybody who watches this. When my grandmother was still alive, she’d watch snooker for HOURS and even she wouldn’t watch the Kennedy Center Honours.

NBC: “Parks and Recreation.” Repeat.

The CW: “Melrose Place.” Repeat.

A&E: “Psychic Kids: Children of the Paranormal.” There’s no descriptive blurb for this show, and I know I’ve seen a commercial for it but I can’t remember what the commercial was about, so I’m just going to pretend that it’s the true story of seven strange children of ghosts and monsters picked to live in a house and have their lives taped to find out what happens when they stop being polite and START GETTING REAL. I’m thinking it’ll turn out that Casper’s son ain’t so friendly, unless he’s got a little liquor in him and then he starts getting friendly ALL OVER THE PLACE and he ends up in a threeway with the adopted son of the Swamp Thing and the daughter of Frankenstein, and they screw the bolts right out of Emma Frankenstein’s neck. The son of Dracula and the son of the Wolfman are taking this community ed arts & crafts class and they discover that they’re REALLY into glitter, but then they find out they’re both in love with the sullen girl who sits at their crafts table and so they end up in a big feud, but then Sullen Girl dies of malaise and they have no idea what to do with all their glitter and unresolved sexual tension, so they smoke themselves retarded and end up having sparklesex on the bathroom floor.

Discovery: “Dirty Jobs.” The blurb says, “Mike tries paint bulking in San Francisco and makes maple syrup the old-fashioned way in Pennsylvania.” I literally have no idea what “paint bulking” is supposed to be, but I’m pretty sure that watching Mike Rowe get covered in maple syrup is probably somewhere in the top five of Lainey’s perverted maple syrup fever dreams.

The Food Network: “Private Chefs of Beverly Hills.” This show is supposedly about a private-chef placement agency, but what it’s really all about are the batshit insane rich clients, so it’s going to be either completely terrible or TOTALLY AWESOME.

TLC: The series premiere of “One Big Happy Family”, which is apparently a show about a family of fatties. Keep it classy, TLC!

9:30pm EST

ABC: “Better Off Ted.” NOT A REPEAT. I don’t know what this episode is about, because I don’t watch this show so I couldn’t be arsed to check, but it is NOT A REPEAT.

NBC: “Parks and Recreation.” Okay, we now return you to your regularly scheduled series of network television repeats.

Sarah Larson lives in Minnesota, where she is usually up to no good. She only updates her blog when bullied into it, but you can read the archive here if you’re bored enough.

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