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Pregnant and in Peril

By Sarah Larson | Miscellaneous | December 27, 2009 |

By Sarah Larson | Miscellaneous | December 27, 2009 |

Hello, my pretties. Rusty’s on vacation until New Year’s, so buckle your chin straps because I’m steering this ride until then and I’m almost as crazy about television as I am about dessert foods. Today is Sunday and it’s also a holiday weekend, so I hope none of you have big television-watching plans tonight, because there ain’t shit on. I’ll probably be watching Seven Brides for Seven Brothers again, which I finally (FINALLY!) got on DVD for Christmas and have basically been watching on repeat for the past two days straight. Try to contain your jealousy.

Tonight’s brain candy menu:

7:00pm EST

ABC: The Sound of Music (the hills are alive, yo)

FOX: Some show I’ve never even heard of called “Brothers” is having its season finale. It’s about a mother meddling in the love lives of her sons, one of whom is apparently named “Chill.” I don’t believe this is an actual show. I believe that Fox execs were forced by some kind of contractual nuance to use their vacation time in hour-long increments every Sunday, and … I dunno, maybe there was a non-disclosure agreement for these vacation terms so they weren’t allowed to tell anybody about it. All of a sudden one Sunday night, the people who staff the Fox offices had the following conversation:

Dude #1: Where’d those guys in suits go?
Dude #2: Dunno. My butt itches.
Dude #3: I ate a bug I found on the floor. It tasted like shrimp.
#3: You left it unguarded, so I ate it. Them’s the breaks.
#1: Hey, there’s supposed to be a show happening right now. We need some filler.
#2: I’ll scratch my butt and you can film it.
#3: I like how it tingles when I lick batteries.
#1: Whatever. I’m just gonna write up a description of the dumbest thing I can think of, and we’ll pretend it’s airing.
#3: [horfs up shrimp bug]

That’s pretty much how most networks run. It’s true. Anyway, elsewhere at 7pm:

NBC: Football stuff (like a pre-game talk show or something, I have no idea)

Nickelodeon: “iCarly” (it’s the one where Freddie and Sam kiss)

Univision: 2009 Latin Grammy Awards

8:00pm EST

ABC: Some heinous thing called “Jesse Stone: Thin Ice” starring Tom Selleck’s mustache.

NBC: Football (the actual game). It doesn’t start until 8:15 and it’s the Cowboys vs. the Indians or something, I don’t know. I think they’re re-enacting the Battle of Little Bighorn.

Hallmark: Some heinous thing called “Moonlight & Mistletoe” starring Tom Arnold and Kirk Cameron’s sister.

MTV: “Jersey Shore.” Did you know this shit’s on in two-hour blocks? This is the one with the orange, trout-lipped people, right? Who watches this for two hours (or at all, for that matter)? Here’s what I’m gonna need for one of you to do: sneak into the MTV offices and steal all the staplers. Then maybe some ferrety guy will burn down the building.

TNT: The Wizard of Oz (TK says I represent The Lollipop Guild)

9:00pm EST

Discovery: “Everest: Beyond the Limit” which is apparently a reality show wherein people climb Mount Everest. I’m not really sure why. We already have a reality show wherein brave, noble whores fearlessly confront the STD stew brewing inside of Bret Michaels, and a show wherein that dude who peed on Kim Kardashian tirelessly searches for the other half of his soul, the yin to his yang, the target for his urine stream. Hell, MTV has entire blocks of programming wherein orange retards stare at each other. With gems like these already warming the cockles of our hearts, it escapes me why the Discovery Channel thinks anyone will give a shit about some dudes who walk up a hill.

Lifetime: “Family Sins” starring Kirstie Alley as a psychotic housewife with a double life or something. Based on a true story, of course.

Nick: Not regular Nickelodeon. Nick. I get five different Nickelodeon channels, and this is the one labeled “Nick 2” but its name is just Nick. I feel like I just typed “Nick” about 755 times. Anyway, “iCarly” will be on three times in a row, starting at 9pm. First the one where Carly, Sam and Freddie sneak out to go to an MMA fight, then the one where Sam and Freddie win Locker 239 and have to share it, and then the one where Sam and Freddie kiss (again, even though it was just on the regular Nickelodeon channel like two hours ago).

TLC: “Pregnant and in Peril,” which I swear to God I am not making up. Here’s the blurb, which I also swear to God I am not making up: “Examining perilous situations pregnant women have faced that could easily have killed them and their unborn children, including a parachuting mishap, a bear encounter, a shooting incident and a fall from a balcony that left a woman impaled on a microphone stand.”

10:00pm EST

E!: “Keeping Up With the Kardashians.” The Tall One is preggo and The One Who Got Peed On is a liar; the blurb doesn’t say anything about The Pregnant One so I’m thinking now that The Tall One is pregnant, they probably just had The Pregnant One killed because she’s totally extraneous at this point.

The Food Network: “Cupcake Wars” which has no episode descriptor doodad, so I can only assume it involves the Blue Team (Paula Deen and Yan from “Yan Can Cook”) versus the Red Team (the Swedish Chef and the corporeal spirit of Julia Child) and they all use potato cannons to shoot cupcakes at each other. Last one standing gets to set Martha Stewart on fire!

Sarah Larson lives in Minnesota, where she is usually up to no good. She only updates her blog when bullied into it, but you can read the archive here if you’re bored enough.

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Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here, follow him on Twitter, or listen to his weekly TV podcast, Podjiba.