There is exactly one show worth watching tonight: “The Good Wife.” Otherwise, you’re best bet is the neighborhood bar (Ruski’s, in my case), where the alcohol is plentiful. And cheap.

8:00

— “The Biggest Loser” on NBC. Where else can you watch obese people lose 10 pounds a week? Of course, that’s nothing. My deceased 375 lb grandfather used to say, “I lose 64 pounds every time I take a dump.” It’s probably true, too. The man ate Crisco sandwiches and poured gravy on his ice cream. I shit you not. He once had to go to the hospital to have 30 pounds of fluid drained from around his heart. Thirty pounds. A small child’s worth of fluid.

— “30 for 30: A King’s Ransom” on ESPN. Peter Berg is directing a film about Wayne Gretzky’s trade to the L.A. Kings way back when. Probably a must-see for hockey fans.

— “NCIS” on CBS. We mock a lot of bad to bland television shows around here, but my God, some folks get awfully defensive when it comes to “NCIS,” even while agreeing that it’s not a particularly good show. Everyone joins in the chorus when we sing against brain-dead entertainment, unless it’s their brain-dead entertainment, and then it’s “But, Mark Harmon is delicious eye candy.”

9:00

— “18 Kids and Counting” on TLC. This is a special one-hour presentation: 20 Years, 20 Duggars. Also, one worn out uterus that poor Michelle has to tuck back under the hood every morning.

— “Dancing With the Stars” on ABC. The Hammer is still on, folks. Tom DeLay is the gayest thing since “Glee.”

— “Scare Tactics” has its third season premiere on SyFy.

— “Dirty Jobs” has its sixth season premiere on Discovery.

— “Weird, True, and Freaky” on Discovery. I just liked the title.

10:00

— “The Forgotten” on ABC. It’s a really bad show.

— “The Good Wife” on CBS. I’m inexplicably, perhaps, really fucking into this show.

— “Parking Wars” on A&E has its second season premiere. Man, with shows like this one on, Michael Murray will never run out of Trash TV reviews.

— “Sons of Anarchy” on FX.

Fuck Me:

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Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here, follow him on Twitter, or listen to his weekly TV podcast, Podjiba.