It’s been awhile since I’ve raised the alarm about some seriously dubious clothing items on the market. I blame it on that post-holiday slump — I didn’t want to spend any money, I didn’t want to even THINK about shopping anymore (not even for myself), and also I ate and drank so much last month that buying clothing right now would require me to figure out what my current size is. Which, like, don’t be absurd. I’ll just continue to not button my pants.
But it’s January now, which means everything is on SALE! More than that… everything that’s on SALE is on SALE! And that, friends, is my kryptonite. If you tell me something has been marked down, I’ll assume it’s still too expensive (because I’m cheap). If you tell me that it’s been marked down, AND ALSO it’s an additional 40% off? Holy fuckballs, that’s what I call a deal! It’s not that I refuse to spend money — it’s that the money I’m spending needs to be significantly less than what I’m buying should actually cost. Not to be confused with what the item is “worth” because really? None of this shit is worth what it retails for, let’s be honest. I’m cheap, but I’m not delusional.
Which brings me to the 40% Off Winter Tag Sale currently going on at Anthropologie, the store that strikes the perfect balance between hippie, bougie, and intellectual property-thefty. They’ve got, like, a half a dozen different variations of “velvet kimono” marked down right now — and even setting aside the question of whether they’re attractive or not (they aren’t), just the phrase “velvet kimono” ticks all of my boxes. So yeah, I checked out the sale-on-sale. Just perused it a bit, as one does. And then I saw this shit right here:
That is the “Mara Hoffman Ribbed Tie-Front Midi Dress,” which originally sold for a staggering $325 and is now on sale for a $199.95. Sure, you can take another 40% off that price. But also — why the fuck would you bother? That’s a boring-ass, basic dress even on a good day, and the ONLY thing unique about it is that fucking tit-knot. Is that single embellishment worth the additional HUNDREDS of dollars being charged? I don’t think so.
To be fair, I’m almost impressed with the way the dress manages to emphasize the cleavage while covering it all the way up. I’d be MORE impressed if the overall effect was something other than “I’m trying a strapless bikini top on over my clothes and OH MY GOD IT MATCHES PERFECTLY THAT’S SO FUNNY.” Like, that outfit is something that happens accidentally in a dressing room, that you maybe snap a pic of and send to your friends for a laugh. It’s definitely not something I’d drop actual oodles of money to wear. Which presumably is why it’s on sale.
But here’s the kicker: that boob-knot isn’t a one-time thing. It’s practically a trend! Mara Hoffman has other items in the Winter Tag Sale, all with the same affectation. Here’s the boob-knot in white poplin:
(The “Mara Hoffman Poplin Tie-Front Maxi Shirt Dress” is marked down from $425 to $299.95, plus 40% off)
And here’s the boob-knot in a lovely gingham:
(The “Mara Hoffman Knotted Gingham Shirt” is marked down from $325 to $199.95, plus 40% off)
In case you’re wondering — no, the knotted bit doesn’t go all the way around on any of the items. Which means if someone were to approach you from behind, they’d be caught off-guard by your trussed-up boobage. Which… actually could be fun. But not like this.
Look, I don’t mind a good knot now and then. A blouse with a pussy bow? That knot never hurt anyone (other than anyone forced to say “pussy bow” when describing it). Hell, I knot my shirts all on my own sometimes, when I want to turn a button-down into a belly shirt (don’t judge me). But for some reason these garments manage to strike the perfect trifecta of overpriced, bland, and unflattering — and it’s all down to that one little detail.
What do you think? Am I being too harsh, or should we start a “Burn The Boob-Knots” trend of our own? Just not, like, while wearing a boob-knot.