Well, near its one year anniversary. Winter’s Tale actually came out on Valentine’s Day, but the world trying to see how many thinkpieces on Fifty Shades of Grey it can churn out in a one-week period got me a little distracted. In the words of Russell Crowe, playing Fantasy Demon Inspector Javert in this bonkers WTF-ride of a movie:
For those of you who somehow managed not to see Winter’s Tale (which is most of you, because it only made $30 million worldwide), here’s the skinny: Each person, when they slide out of their mother’s hoo-haa into the world, is granted a spiritual coupon for one single miracle. Nobody gets to decide who their miracle gets used on, though. Most of us don’t even know about the whole nonsensical system. We might cash in our miracle to help ourselves or a loved one, or—in the case of Winter’s Tale—multiple people’s miracles might be used in a daisy chain of WTFery to save a single random girl from cancer, because someone else called shotgun on her miracle, because ~*~everyone is connected~*~ and God is kind of a dick. There’s also a flying rainbow horse.
I’m convinced this line of Jennifer Connelly’s wasn’t actually in the script—she just wants to know what the fuck is going on. Me too, Jennifer. Me too. Here’s a small sampling of what makes Winter’s Tale the ball of crazy that all other balls of crazy aspire to.
So much lens flare that even J.J. Abrams is like, “Woah, cool it a little.
It’s significant to the plot lens flare, though.
Run, Kevin Corrigan! The lens flare is coming for you!
The worst detective in the world
Russell Crowe creates a terribly imprecise drawing of a ginger girl he wants to find, and Random Guy right away finds Colin Farrel’s lady love Sibyl from Downton Abbey, like there is only one lady with long, red hair in all of New York. Sir! You yourself are ginger! You should know better.
Here, we have Matt Bomer and Will Smith recreating their faces from when they saw the finished movie.
Death by lens flare
A poison that kills someone as soon as they get excited is pretty much the stupidest way to murder someone ever. Sibyl from Downton Abbey has consumption. You could knock her over with a feather, and instead you go for this convoluted bullshit. But, bonus:
Colin Farrell dicks a girl to death
That time they snuck a Broadway star into a speaking extra role and thought we wouldn’t notice
This random dude isn’t only one of the several friendly men of color who help Colin Farrell over the course of the film (one is a Native American man who tells him about MAGICKS and SPIRIT GUIDES, because of course). He’s also the Tony-nominated Norm Lewis, who’s played Javert in Broadway on Les Mis and was the first African-American actor to play the Phantom of the Opera in a New York production. He’s a big deal. Here, he refuses to give hobo Colin Farrell a library card.
Colin Farrell’s atrocious floppy hair
And last, but certainly not least:
Russell Crowe, face boxer extraordinaire
That’s not even headbutting. He’s full on whopping him with that thing. I leave you with Russell Crowe’s Irish accent: