In the comments of A Layperson’s Guide to the Baldwins the other day, a few people requested that the Arquettes receive similar treatment. My first question is: Are you blind? I mean, at least the Baldwins are all boys and there is a similarity about their facial appearances - but the Arquettes? Some are clearly boys, and some girls; some had a hard time deciding and their faces are all fairly different. Maybe you just don’t know how many of them are out there? I do like to be accommodating though (sometimes), so I figured since I already have that Godtopus-damned song stuck in my head, may as well do it.
Now, another difference between Baldwins and Arquettes is that unlike Alec, there is no true original Arquette upon which all others can be based or with which all others can be confused. It’s more like a birth order thing and as far as actual acting goes, none of them are terribly impressive. But good boobage does seem to run in the family so maybe we’ll cover that.
The One Who Was Overshadowed by Madonna/The One Toto Wrote That Song About, Rosanna:
Rosanna broke onto many peoples’ radar after appearing in Desperately Seeking Susan with Madonna. The story goes that this was supposed to be Rosanna’s breakout role but Madonna (that hog) was the one who got all the attention. Even though she’s been in some big name films (Crash, New York Stories, Pulp Fiction), it seems like Rosanna has always been more famous for her personal relationships, having dated the lead singer of Toto (and inspired another in a line of horrid songs in their repertoire) and Peter Gabriel. It’s not that she’s without talent, perhaps she just isn’t memorable enough. Her bangs were easy way to remember her back in the day - they were always too long and hanging over her eyes and it used to drive me crazy. Rosanna is also prone to Stoner Baldwin’s purse-lipped Zoolander expression, but she has way better boobs than him.
The One You’ve Never Heard of, Richmond:
Seriously, I’ve never heard of this guy and I don’t think we’re missing anything. Among his roles are “Farm Boy” in The Pickle and “Delivery Man” in Se7en. And on his imdb page it says: “Trivia:
Former brother-in-law of James Newton Howard, was married to his sister, Rosanna Arquette.” So basically, they make it sound like he married Rosanna and if that were actually true you probably wouldn’t blink an eye because everyone thinks the Arquettes are a house of freaks anyway. I think we should just refer to him as Farm Boy and let the chips fall where they may.
The Medium/The Hot One (The Medium Hot One?), Patricia:
Whenever I think of Patricia, two films come to mind: True Romance and Lost Highway - and I don’t think the reason I remember her is her acting. Patricia has a slamming body and she’s not afraid to show it. For a while it looked like she was on her way to a decent film career, but it mostly fizzled and she’s spent the past several years leading the television series, “Medium”. I think I tried to watch it once and it struck me immediately why she isn’t a bigger star - she just isn’t much of an actress. Like Rosanna, she’s decent but not transcendent. Patricia was married for a short time to Mr. “I don’t wear a wig in my personal life or in my public life…” (Nicolas Cage) and she is currently in the process of divorcing Thomas Jane (The Punisher, “Hung”).
The Transgendered One, Alexis:
Born Robert, Alexis has documented her transformation in Alexis Arquette: She’s My Brother and that is probably all most people know about her. Prior to the reassignment, Alexis appeared in Last Exit to Brooklyn, Pulp Fiction and The Wedding Singer. She also appeared on “The Surreal Life” but by her own admission, “The interest lies because of my brothers and sisters and I know that.”
The Doofus/The One Married to Courteney Cox, David:
Does anyone even know who David was before he married Courteney? If you search for his picture, at least half of them are with his wife, as if he can’t possibly be identified unless she’s there too. You see the photo and go, “Oh yeah, him - he’s married to Courteney.” The pair famously met while filming the first Scream but his acting career flourished neither before nor after the movie. Really, I’m not sure there’s even anything he did worth mentioning - maybe the Buffy film? One vaguely interesting tidbit is David’s involvement in World Championship Wrestling; in 2000 he actually won a title that caused some big huffy fit within the sport, but how many people know or care about that? In summation, David appears to be cute but of little substance.
I almost feel worse after having written this…deflated. I thought the Arquettes were better than they really are. None of them have lived up to their possibilities; they’re practically a Von Trapp-sized group. They could have formed a super-group of dancers or singers. The Baldwins and Arquettes could have combined for a Sound of Music reboot. They could have challenged the Baldwins on “Circus of the Stars” (with David in a dual role as ringmaster and clown). The girls seem to be the ones with more talent genes but at least half are tied up in physical assets. At least the Baldwins have one truly good actor in their midst. In summation, I can only recommend the Arquettes as visual pleasure and I feel certain that if a Baldwin and an Arquette ever marry, end times will be upon us.
“Meet you all the way…” What does that even mean?