My Mom has owned up to her role in the Howard the Duck viewing marathon that warped my itty bitty mind. She does insist that my Uncle Donnie and Aunt Jeni were responsible for allowing me to view Poltergeist II and she was perturbed with them for it. I can remember the movie and the horrible effect it had on me, but not the circumstances under which I saw the movie. Brains are funny like that. So we’re going with Mom’s version of events and absolving her of any wrong-doing. This time. (Love you, Mom!)
Poltergeist II was released when I was seven years old. I’m doubting that I was that young when I watched it, but who can remember these sorts of things? All I know is that I was far too young and was quite traumatized from it. I learned to never ever play in the front yard, because an old man that looks like a corpse might approach you and make it rain while singing some creepy Jesus tune.
If you drink from a glass bottle and don’t check it first, there is probably something terrifying and gross hiding in it. You will most likely vomit a horrible corpse-man monster that will try to murder you and steal your daughter. This scene made me terrified to drink Pepsi from glass bottles for a very long time because I couldn’t check it for Satan worms. (Yes, I’m terribly old.)
Native Americans are magical, have amazing pieces of life advice, and can assist you in situations involving Beasts. This was mind-blowing to me, as my grandparents had Native American neighbors that were very nice people, but I never got a heartfelt warrior speech from them. I kept waiting for the magic to happen, but it never did. It was bullshit.
One day, you will be psychic. You just need to wait for your parents to die, a tiny fellow psychic to hand you a photo, and for Hell to descend upon your daughter. It’s a pretty sweet deal.
Poltergeist II let me know that my unfortunately crooked teeth would have me in braces that would murder me the first chance they got. I spent lots of time willing my teeth to straighten on their own or attempting to push them into their proper spot so I could avoid death by sentient wires.
If you get a water leak in your house and it causes your toy phone to ring, YOU BURN THAT MOTHERFUCKER TO THE GROUND BEFORE YOU ANSWER IT. NEVER ANSWER IT. In fact, just throw that toy phone away, Tiny Jodi. YOU THROW AWAY ALL TOYS THAT COULD POSSIBLY BE USED AS A CONDUIT TO A NETHERWORLD.
In the end, you can outrun the Beast with the help of psychic, shamans, and your dead grandmother. Only for a short while, though….
…so just give up and let the Beast take you and save yourself some trouble.