Movies That Messed Me Up: 'Howard the Duck' Taught Me About Tiny Condoms And Duck Breasts
I don’t know how you grew up, but one of my earliest memories is watching a Bette Midler special on HBO with my parents. When I was maybe three or four years old. This ingenious bit of parenting led to toddler me turning to my parents and, repeating the words of the Divine Miss M, exclaiming, “Yeah! If they can’t take a joke, fuck ‘em!”
I don’t remember ever being restricted in my viewing habits, except pornos and a couple of Jesus streaks where The Simpsons and In Living Color were banned. I can only guess that this unfiltered exposure to the full spectrum of inappropriate viewing matter is to thank and to blame for the person that I have become. I thought it might be therapeutic, and possibly grounds for a very, very late but strong Child Services case, to explore the movies that warped my tiny mind. I can’t think of a stranger place to start than with the first Marvel movie: Howard the Duck.
As a child, I was intrigued in the promise of a duck that could talk landing on our planet. It seemed like the coolest thing that had ever been made into a movie. I was 7 years old when it was released and who knows what age I was when it hit HBO. All I know is I was too young and without parental guidance to fully comprehend the boner jokes, boob and ass shots, and implied bestiality. But goddamn, did I love that stupid fucking movie and the lessons it imparted to my still-forming brain.
The first memory of the movie is the duck boobies on full display when Howard crashes through a bathroom wall en route to our planet. Luckily I am not a Furrie because of this particular scene, but I am fascinated by boobs to this day. NSFW
Seriously, I am so happy to have dodged a Furrie fetish from repeated exposure to this movie. In fact, I bet we can trace all Furrie origins back to this movie and Care Bears. Those sexy, completely nude Care Bears.
This movie also taught me that people you think just need some coffee or a cleansing dump are actually incubators for inter-dimensional alien monsters that want to murder you and destroy your planet. Therefore, trust no one and ESPECIALLY don’t trust Jeffrey Jones. (That last part was actually a good lesson.)
If you live in Ohio and want it badly enough, a state worker will vow to help you find a job in a whorehouse, even if you are a freak of nature and try to bite her ass. I can’t tell you how many time this life lesson came into play, since I actually do live in Ohio.
In the end, I learned that rock n’ roll, being famous, and finally getting to use your minuscule duck condom on a someone that isn’t even your species were integral parts of the happiest resolution you could ever hope for after being ripped from your home planet and battling an evil creature bent on destroying you.