The other day a friend sent me a notification that Vice Magazine was looking for an intern:
“Do you live in Toronto? Are you not dumb? Can you write? If you can answer YES to all of these questions, you can be our intern.
Send your resume to: [email protected]”
As I admire Vice Magazine and have always wanted to be an intern I responded to their post.
Dear Vice Magazine:
I will make your dreams come true.
Yes, I am just that kind of intern.
Think Antonio Banderas.
Think Britney Spears.
Let your imagination run riot.
I’m just that kind of intern.
However, I should tell you right up front that I won’t be sending you any sort of resume. I don’t believe in them. I think that they’re old fashioned and full of lies. If resumes were people they would be slave owners and so by not sending you my resume all I’m really doing is refusing to answer to my slave name. Also, much of what I bring to the table is not very well represented by my “work experience.”
Let me tell you a little bit about myself. I am drawn to the supernatural and have spent a lot of time researching and pursing the Mothman creature of West Virginia. I am also interested in Bigfoot and Unidentified Flying Objects. I am including a drawing I did of Mothman last summer while on a vacation/research excursion to West Virginia with my wife.
I think it’s very interesting that there are such obvious visual similarities between the Mothman and the angels in ancient Christian texts.
Although I don’t yet have my driver’s license, (I am very close, Alpas, my instructor says I have a good feel for the road) I do live in downtown Toronto and am familiar with public transit. In fact, I like taking the subway. I think it’s fun, like going on a ride at the CNE. If I were in charge of this ride (I worked at a fair for three summers during a bad stretch in my 30’s) I would call it The Tunnel of Boredom and Sticky Things. I’m both creative and can work quickly if my back is up against the wall. I should also let you know that I’m pretty smart, just so long as I don’t have to explain or perform any numeric, mechanical or mnemonic feats.
If anyone at the office needs any help in their fantasy sports teams, well, I am their intern! I have extensive connections within the gambling community and for three years running, my fantasy baseball team— The Jesus Cobras— has finished in the money.
I have excellent writing skills, my favourite movie is The Mothman Prophecies and I’m actually very wealthy.
I look forward to working with you guys!
PS: I have no racist tattoos.
Instead of responding to me by phone or email, Vice Magazine posted this:
This was my response:
Dear Vice Magazine:
I want to thank you very much for publicizing my application and making me one of your finalists for the Vice Intern Competition! I look forward to the next stage of the process and am very hopeful that your readers will vote for me, recognizing that I am a ” Vice Do” and not a “Vice Don’t!”
Is your present intern— the one whom you’re looking to replace— a cat burglar? His attire suggests that he might be. In fact, he looks like he could be the one they refer to as Maru, The Box Thief. Of course, little is known of this master criminal but that he has slender fingers, always eats with chopsticks and might be related to Wayne Gretzky. If you do favour criminals for your position of intern, I ask that you please take a closer look at my application, as it is very strong (gambling, some voyeurism) in that category.
I will do what it takes to get the job done.
Grit courses through my veins.
Vice Intern grit.
Looking forward to hearing from you!
“No man with a defect is to come, whether a blind man, a lame man, a man stunted or overgrown, or with misshapen brows, or film over his eyes, or discharge from it, a man who has a scab, or eruption, or has had a testicle ruptured.” —-Leviticus 21: 18-20