Now, look. I certainly don’t have anything against lingerie. Even if Victoria’s Secret models, while lovely, are sometimes a little on the bony side. But this is just … crazypants.
Why am I talking to you about a Victoria’s Secret commercial? Because I just can’t help myself. And because it does, in a roundabout manner, have something to do with movies. You see, a week ago, the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show was apparently on CBS. No, I did not watch it because a) I don’t watch TV and b) Seriously? Porn, people. It’s out there. Stop wasting your time. Anyway, part of the show was apparently the newest Victoria’s Secret commercial directed by none other than … Michael Fucking Bay.
It’s everything you’d expect it to be: garish, loud, filled with obvious hints at his penis-envy issues (well documented on this site), and utterly ridiculous. Also? Kind of awesomely stupid. I mean, I love the idea that men have fantasies about chicks throwing knives at each other. I mean, I’m a somewhat twisted guy, but I don’t really fantasize about women stabbing each other (although there’s probably a market for that). Also? That chick on the pool table is totally breaking league rules. And why are there fire-breathing clowns?
But of course, my favorite moment comes at the 1:14 mark. Watch it:
Of course something had to explode. It’s just so wonderfully, idiotically, shitballs-retardedly Bay that if I didn’t know any better, I’d think he was actually somewhat self-aware. But I don’t think that’s the case. Instead, I think the man is so gratuitously egomaniacal that he actually thinks this is what people want to see. I mean, after watching a bunch of women stomp around a mansion and things blowing up, do any of you have the urge to run out and buy lingerie? Fellas, is this going to influence your Christmas shopping list in any way? But Michael Bay is so self-absorbed that he thinks that his braindead, ‘asplodey, mindlessly derivative style of directing is so perfect that he could even sell underwear with it. And of course, the fine people at Victoria’s Secret are more than willing to slap his name on their product.
Personally, I’d like to see Michael Bay put on exploding underpants.