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Maternity Clothes Are Goddamn Hideous

By Courtney Enlow | Miscellaneous | December 3, 2014 |

By Courtney Enlow | Miscellaneous | December 3, 2014 |

Remember that time I was pregnant? Well, I’m doing that again, that whole thing. I’m not telling you this for your congratulations and well wishes. I am telling you because I am about to share a secret that only pregnant women are privy to and one that for no discernible reason, they keep very, very quiet.

Maternity clothes are the ugliest fucking things on the planet. They are what Satan would design for a fashion show in hell. They are simultaneously designed to both humiliate and fugify innocent women who have done nothing except let some bro blast her in the uterus with his wonderjuice.

I cannot understand why no one talks about this. Do we feel we deserve this kind of treatment, women? Do we become pregnant and accept that we are sinful and undesirable and therefore unworthy of wearing cute outfits? Well I won’t stand for it. It’s time to tell our story. Our ruffled, cap-sleeved story.

Let’s start with the sleeves. Because what the fuck are these sleeves. Cap sleeves? CAP SLEEVES? Why is the single most unflattering sleeve style the ONLY style available for the uterally occupied?

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Then there’s the patterns. Is the idea if you just blind people they won’t be horrified by your midsection? Also, everything is adorned with dipshit ribbons and string belts. Fuck you, dresses.

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Then there’s the shapes. What is happening with any of these shapes? Everything is shaped like mullets or has some stupid slit in the neck. NO ONE DRESSES LIKE THIS ANY OTHER TIME. Why can’t these clothes just be normal clothes with a shit ton of room in the up-front baby Beetle trunk? There is no need for this nonsense.

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WHY IS THIS ONE MADE OF MUMMIES? WHY IS THIS NECKLINE?

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And even the borderline cute things are solely for faux hippies and Steven Tyler impersonators.

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Finally, the quality. LOOK AT THIS. Look at this see-through shirt, this hideous see-through shirt made of butterfly kisses and whispers that they actually put on their website. They didn’t even Photoshop it. That is how little regard these stores have for the pregnant.

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And this isn’t unique. Every maternity shirt, pair of pants, skirt, anything, has been the lowest quality imaginable. They’re all thin, transparent and just generally shitty. Shitty and ugly AND the same price you’d pay for actual decent not-ugly clothes. It’s a fucking racket. But what are we supposed to do? Wear normal clothes over these temporarily enormous and unwieldy bodies? This isn’t mere weight gain. Pregnant bodies are stupid. You have these dumbass little legs, fairly normal if not chubbier arms and then this huge sea turtle living under your shirt and two slightly smaller sea turtles right above that, like your whole torso became a veiny Mickey Mouse.

Everything is stupid and I miss my pants.

Um, sorry. *pats stomach* You’re cool I guess, kid.